


a feeling you give me, an everglow

by jiwon



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2017-09-29
Packaged: 2018-05-08 10:46:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5494364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jiwon/pseuds/jiwon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Baekhyun knows that there isn’t really any reason for Kyungsoo to stay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: unedited, unchecked, poor sentence construction, bad plot execution, slightly cliche i think idk

The day they graduated, Baekhyun accepted that there’s really no reason for Kyungsoo to stay.

Kyungsoo’s started work two weeks after that day, working for a big company that’s known for doing quite well for the past decade. It’s what happens when he graduates with flying colors and when the CEO takes a particular liking to him and mentors him throughout his internship.

Meanwhile, his best friend took three months more to land a job, and one that has nothing to do with his degree. Baekhyun thinks it’s funny that Kyungsoo still takes the time to hang out with him, even when Kyungsoo’s probably a million more times relevant to this world than he is.

In a corner of Chanyeol’s house, they stand facing each other with a bottle of beer in each’s hands, three years after they’ve marched up the stage to get their diplomas. Kyungsoo’s doing pretty stable in the same company and has climbed up the ladder to become the head of the sales division, something that’s impressive for someone who has only graduated three years ago.

And Baekhyun, well. Baekhyun’s still keeping himself full and alive, which really what matters the most to him, aside from working a job that he tolerates.

Baekhyun pants softly and sends a crooked smile Kyungsoo’s way. He has just finished yelling _Happy Birthday to the tallest fucking Yoda ever! May you live long and prosper! Oh wait, is that a different movie?_ when someone offers a toast to Chanyeol turning 25. He made his way to Kyungsoo and offered him a drink when everyone was distracted with the birthday boy raving with one of his co-workers with a smile and a bottle in each hand.

“You’re so loud that it physically hurts sometimes,” Kyungsoo says quietly with a judging stare.

“And you’re too quiet that it’s painfully awkward, but you don’t see me complaining,” Baekhyun retorts, earning a grin from the smaller man.

“Perfect way to describe us, huh?” Kyungsoo smirks as he holds his bottle out.

“It’s as real as it gets.” Baekhyun clinks their bottles together. He takes a swig from his bottle, not once pulling his gaze from Kyungsoo and nudges the other. “Want to go out? We should go around Mapo. We haven’t done it since our last year in college.” He turns to the crowd and points towards Chanyeol, dancing awkwardly in the middle of his living room. “I’m sure he won’t mind. He looks like he’s having the time of his life. Or he has a bee hive in his pants.”

Kyungsoo giggles for a moment but places a straight expression on his face. “I can’t. I’m leaving for Tokyo tomorrow.”

“Don’t forget your passport, alright? We don’t need an incident like what happened six months ago. And don’t forget to bring scarves. Thermal wear. And bring glasses. You won’t be able to see if you lose your contacts again.” It may seem like too much, but Kyungsoo really does take his phone out and type all the reminders in because he himself is aware that he would forget this if Baekhyun didn’t remind him. Baekhyun leans back on the wall with a lopsided smile. “Indeed, Do Kyungsoo. Pride of Hongik University,” he says teasingly. It’s so natural for him to try and hide the disappointment already with jokes. “I forgot that one of us actually has a real, useful job.”

“We could be working together now if you wanted, you know,” Kyungsoo points out with a shrug.

Baekhyun licks his lips in thought. “I’d be your assistant. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just that I don’t see myself sitting on a desk from eight to five. I’m useless like that.”

“You’re doing what you love.” Baekhyun looks down at him when the shorter bumps their sides together playfully. “That’s what’s important.”

 _It wouldn’t be so bad,_ Baekhyun thinks, _if I didn’t feel like I am less important. Less deserving of –_

“I should visit the hotel soon, huh?” Kyungsoo looks up at him through his lashes and pouts his lips. “It’s been a while.”

“You should,” Baekhyun nods in agreeance. “Jongin misses you. He thinks my music taste sucks.”

“He’d like you more if you played more RnB during your shifts,” Kyungsoo suggests. “And maybe– hold on.” With a turn of his head, Baekhyun sees Kyungsoo with his phone in hand, swiping his finger across the screen and holding a finger up at him. “Business calls. Let me take this.”

Baekhyun nods sternly with a press of his lips and watches the raven-haired man disappear into the crowd and outside the door.

The exact time the door closes, Baekhyun figures out that there’s a better way to describe his relationship with Kyungsoo: them talking and Kyungsoo taking a call that halts their conversation. The realization that there’s only a small space for him in Kyungsoo’s life hits him hard, and he decides that the beer in his palm isn’t really enough for him.

Now, Baekhyun has only ever seen Kyungsoo as his best friend. But once in a while, he wonders if it’s normal for someone’s heart to race if they see their best friend. Is it normal to feel small whenever they’re around? Is it normal when you find yourself thinking of this person more often than other matters? Is it normal that he desperately wants to be with him almost seven days a week?

Baekhyun has had enough time to think about it as he’s downing a wave of hard liquor while Kyungsoo’s out talking about work. The answer to all of the questions is no. And it him hard that _shit, he may or may not have developed feelings for his best friend._

But then he figures that it’s been there for the longest time already. He had just been denying it because he knew. He always knew that he’s totally out of Kyungsoo’s league. Even if they’re best friends, even if Kyungsoo hangs out with him, even if they’ve been friends for seven years. He knows that having feelings for the younger man is incredibly pompous of him.

“I thought you were going out with Kyungsoo?” A voice snaps him back to reality after his fourth glass of vodka, and he meets Chanyeol’s wide eyes staring down at him.

“Did you know he’s leaving for Tokyo tomorrow?” He asks blankly as he pours himself vodka to the brim of his cup.

“Yeah. I heard from Minseok. Is that why you’re still here?”

“He’s too busy.” To go out. To spend time with him. For Baekhyun.

“He’s been going on a lot of trips lately,” Chanyeol nods in agreement. “I think he’s getting considered for a promotion, actually. He’s been working a lo–hey? I think you should slow down.”

Baekhyun only stares at the hand that stopped him from getting his sixth cup of hard liquor, almost finishing the transparent bottle he’s holding from the neck. He sighs and steps aside, moving away from Chanyeol’s reach.

“Baekhyun, is there something wrong?” Concern washes over Chanyeol’s voice as he knits his eyebrows to stare down at the shorter man. “You’ve been chugging everything like it’s water.”

 _Everything._ Sixth cup. _I shouldn’t be here._ He stares at Kyungsoo standing in the middle of the living room curiously with that big, bewildered stare. How can he be so in love with those doe eyes? _I’m not good for him._ Seventh cup. _There’s really no reason for him to stay._

“I’m okay.” But no, he isn’t, and he thinks that he probably never will be. Not for the person he loves anyway.

★ ☆ ✮ ✯

The first thing that Baekhyun notices when he stirs awake is the cold leather pressed against his cheeks and the cold air from the AC tickling the exposed skin, uncovered by his sweater that’s riding up his torso.

Chanyeol’s arms around his waist is the last thing he remembers, along with his booming voice saying _I’m hailing Baekhyun a cab to take him home. You should pack up, Kyungsoo. Aren’t you leaving in 6 hours?_ After that, it’s all a big blur and he vaguely remembers being shoved inside a car door.

“You’re so drunk that I’m surprised you’re still alive,” the driver says without even sparing him a single glance after noticing him moving in the back.

The thing with Baekhyun is that he isn’t good _at all_ at drinking. Several bottles of beer will make him trip about eight hundred times on flat ground, will mess with his sense of sight and balance, and will make his face look like a strawberry. Tonight, he probably drank seven times of what he usually drinks. And when he’s drunk, he gets louder. Way, way, _way_ louder.

“I,” he pushes himself up as he slurs his words and leans forward so that his face is near the back of the driver’s head, “am not drunk. I’m just really, really sleepy. That’s all.”

The driver snorts. “Yeah, right.”

“You sure are nosy for a taxi driver,” Baekhyun huffs and throws himself back to lean on the back rest.

The driver visibly stiffens on his seat and leaves their conversation at that, opting to focus his attention on the road. The radio is the only sound that surrounds them, and after an obnoxious trap song comes up, Baekhyun decides to break the silence again.

“So there’s this person I like,” Baekhyun starts with his eyes closed. “He was there at the place you picked me up from. He’s leaving for Tokyo in the morning.”

The driver glances at him from the mirror and sees Baekhyun’s solemn expression as he leans his head back. “Okay?”

“I mean, he’s not going away for a long time,” Baekhyun continues, opens his eyes for a split second, and rolls them shut again. “His trip is just one week long.” The man behind the wheels opens his mouth to say something, but Baekhyun beats him to it. “I know that it isn’t anything big. It _is_ just one week. But there’s something more to it.”

Baekhyun is still very much drunk. Despite looking stable and sober, he’s concentrating so hard on finishing his sentences and trying not to puke on the cab’s clean mats. But not even having to concentrate hard stops his mouth from running. He’s still very loud.

He doesn’t even wait for the driver to speak when he continues their one-sided conversation. “I feel like –” he sighs and crosses his arms like a little baby, “I feel like I’m holding him back.”

Baekhyun thinks that the shallowness and the stupidity of the things he’s saying will stop the driver from acknowledging his existence, but he hears a reply anyway. “Holding him back how?” The driver asks with a curious tone.

“I don’t know,” Baekhyun half-mumbles and half-slurs as he presses his head against the car window. “He’s smart. He’s going places.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

Baekhyun laughs. “I won’t ever see you again. You’re probably the best person to tell all of this to.” He licks his lips as he drags his gaze to the outside of the car window. “Now, will you please stop interrupting my story?”

The driver mutters something with the words _sometimes_ and _punch_ , and Baekhyun thinks the driver just said that he wants to punch him. The corners of Baekhyun’s mouth cracks a grin though when the driver says, “by all means, continue your story.”

There’s an uncomfortable silence that was soon broken by the brunet. “First and last time. Just listen, alright?” Baekhyun says without even opening his eyes. “Anyway,” Baekhyun throws himself back and stares lazily at the blurry lights Seoul has to offer. “Long story short, I’m here. He’s everywhere. And I know he’s going to leave someday because there are probably billions of other things that are better he can go after that are better than me. Sometimes, I think I should just leave to stop my illusions that I have a chance. It probably wouldn’t make much of a difference if I leave.”

He thinks of huge, round eyes and pink, heart lips, which are so familiar because Kyungsoo’s always been there to stay. He thinks of comforting hands, a soothing voice, and the gray hoodie that accompanied him whenever Kyungsoo wasn’t around. He thinks he’ll have to get used to detaching himself because it’s bound to happen soon. He really wishes it isn’t going to.

“Don’t you think you’re being too hard on yourself?”

Laughing quietly, Baekhyun shakes his head and shuts his eyes. “I’m not. If you knew Kyungsoo. You would know what I mean.”

A long silence comes again, and Baekhyun thinks for a split second that he’s just been imagining the whole conversation in his head. “You don’t know what’s good for him,” the driver says finally, and it makes Baekhyun’s lips crack a smirk.

“Maybe I don’t.” Baekhyun nuzzles deeper in his seat and closes his eyes. “But I can tell what’s bad for him.”

The driver bites his tongue and waits for him to finish.

“And I’m one hundred percent sure, that’s me.”

★ ☆ ✮ ✯

Kyungsoo and Baekhyun met during their first year in college as classmates in six out of their six classes. They were under the same degree program and had the same, exact schedule, which meant they had to stick together.

Kyungsoo was too shy to approach him, but he didn’t have to when Baekhyun finally sits right beside him on their fourth class together. He pointed out that so far, all of they had the same subjects with the same timeslots. And Kyungsoo only looked at him with wide eyes, nodding at everything Baekhyun was saying. It took a while for Kyungsoo to ease into befriending Baekhyun, but the mousy brunet had made it all easier.

He was talkative (really, one of Kyungsoo’s worst pet peeve) and Kyungsoo wasn’t. Baekhyun was impulsive and Kyungsoo took time analyzing everything. Baekhyun was a great communicator and public speaker. Kyungsoo preferred communicating through writing.

There wasn’t anything Kyungsoo could really teach Baekhyun (except having good manners, avoiding procrastination, and avoiding laziness), but he certainly learned a lot from latter.

So even when they were polar opposites, it was okay. Because without Baekhyun, he thinks he wouldn’t be half the person he is now and without him, Baekhyun wouldn’t have graduated at all.

★ ☆ ✮ ✯

“Good morning, sunshine!” A deep raspy voice sing songs as the curtains blocking the biggest window in the apartment is pulled back, revealing a very hung over Baekhyun to the morning. “Get up. Kyungsoo reminded me last night to make sure you didn’t die from alcohol poisoning.”

Sleepily, Baekhyun groans and throws a blanket over his head after throwing a pillow towards Chanyeol’s head. “Go away,” he mutters against his sheets as he snuggles closer to his bed.

“Baekhyun, seriously. You have work tonight. Get yourself together.” Putting his hands on his waist, Chanyeol stands over Baekhyun in front of his bed. He’s only met by soft snoring and the unmoving body of Baekhyun. With an evil plan in his mind, he gives a devilish smile and turns towards the door of the apartment. “Kyungsoo! Why are you here? Aren’t you supposed to be in the airport?”

It’s like Baekhyun becomes a living jack-in-a-box with how fast he throws the covers off of him and springs up from his bed. He whips his head towards the door so hard he almost gives himself a whiplash, only to glare at the evil giant when he figures out that it’s just a joke.

“Asshole.” Baekhyun pierces glares through Chanyeol’s forehead. He ignores the fact that Chanyeol knows what will make him peel himself off of the bed.

“I feel so touched. Now please get yourself together,” Chanyeol says with a sweet smile before he pads across the apartment to the small kitchen. He fills a glass up with water and opens the paper bag he left on the dining table when he first entered the apartment.

Baekhyun takes the glass in his hands and downs it in one take, droplets of water rolling from the corner of his lips because of the desperation to quench his thirst brought by the alcohol. He drops on a chair and watches Chanyeol taking food out with small interest, opting to fumble with the envelops on his dining table that he must’ve dropped there a few days ago. Phone bill, electricity bill, mail from Busan, water bil…

“You know,” Chanyeol breaks the silence again as he takes out the sandwich he brought from the store across the street, “I think this is getting out of hand.” His eyes meet Baekhyun’s, who’s staring up at him through his lashes. “You’re drinking more frequently. It’s not healthy.”

“How hypocritical, Yeol,” Baekhyun snorts. “Who here in this room goes to the open bar five times a week? I’ll give you a hint.” Baekhyun leans forward with narrowed eyes and whispers, “it’s not me.”

“I don’t get plastered every time I drink,” Chanyeol says, his voice slightly sterner than earlier. “I take myself home. I don’t retch in the bathroom every time I drink. I don’t wake up with a pounding hangover.”

“Do you want an award?” Baekhyun asks mockingly as he takes the sandwich Chanyeol sets down in front of him. “It’s not like I get drunk every week.”

“No,” Chanyeol replies nonchalantly. “Just now that your love life’s compromised.”

Baekhyun lets out a loud snort as he takes a huge bite of the sandwich in his hands. “What love life are you talking about? I don’t get drunk because of my love life.”

The chair screeches against the floor when Chanyeol moves to sit on it. He mutters an apology when he sees Baekhyun cringe at the sound and then leans back on the chair. “Then enlighten me, why do you get drunk?”

“Don’t you have work in thirty minutes?” Baekhyun attempts to change the topic as he swallows the bread and chicken. “Kyungsoo’s going to be pissed if he finds out you’ve been slacking off.”

“Trust me, he isn’t going to get mad that I’m not at our office at this time,” Chanyeol rolls his eyes. “Now, answer my question.”

Baekhyun gulps thickly and sets the remainder of his food back down on the plastic container. “Why are you still asking?” He asks, a small smirk gracing his lips. “You already know, right?”

“Well, yes,” Chanyeol nods. He explains that his knowledge comes with spending four years with both Kyungsoo and Baekhyun in college and three more years after that does the trick and how he’s caught Baekhyun too many times staring at the younger man and then proceeding to drinking like tomorrow’s never going to come after he looks away. “I just want to make sure that you know it too.”

Baekhyun wipes his mouth with a paper napkin and pushes the plastic container aside, all the appetite leaving his system. “I really don’t need a reminder.” Baekhyun avoids Chanyeol’s gaze and settles on looking at his lap. “I know my place very well.”

“And what place are you in?” Chanyeol puts his elbows on top of the wooden table and leans forward, speaking to Baekhyun in a challenging voice.

“Nowhere near Kyungsoo.” Baekhyun answers simply as he crosses his arms and leans back on his seat. “Nowhere near.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS WAY TOO LONG EMNEGLKAJSNDLJASD I AM SORRY :(
> 
> again: unedited, unchecked, bad writing, bad grammar, bad eVERYTHING

Baekhyun can’t remember when he exactly had started feelings for Kyungsoo, but it may have started cultivating in him somewhere in between their second or third year of college.

That was the time he was having doubts about continuing his studies. If he cut subjects about five times per semester in his first year, he had started doubling his cuts in his second. He began going out a lot, drinking a lot, even going as far as trying his first cigarettes with the upperclassmen that he had managed to get acquainted to.

One evening, he knocked on Kyungsoo’s dorm room drunk as hell, coming from a party that one of his classmates invited him to. It was a good thing that Chanyeol was such as deep sleeper that he didn’t hear all the noise that they made from stumbling around the small room with Kyungsoo attempting to carry Baekhyun to his bed.

“Listen to me carefully,” Kyungsoo knelt down on the floor, eye-level with a slumped Baekhyun on his bed. “Two reasons why I might punch you, alright? One, you puke on my new bedsheets. Two, you make me late for my Econ 189 test tomorrow morning. Got it?”

Baekhyun had let out an airy chuckle as he sat up wobbling. “Why do you like Economics?”

“Baekhyun, no one likes Economics.”

“But you like this program. Why?”

Kyungsoo furrowed his eyebrows, confused at the question. “Well, I’m not bad at the subject and I don’t hate it. That two reasons alone are good enough to convince me to take the degree. I don’t have a dream job. When my parents suggested it, I went along with it.”

“My parents were the one that wrote ‘Economics’ on my college application letters,” Baekhyun slurred with a goody smile. “I fucking hate Economics, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo sighed and sat down on the floor in front of Baekhyun, crossing his legs in a much comfortable position. “What do you want to do?”

“I want something exciting, but calming. Something I won’t ever get tired of,” Baekhyun smiled. “Something like you, actually. I want to study music. Did you know I can play the piano?”

“No, I didn’t know that,” Kyungsoo answered.

“I pass by sometimes by the College of Music building, but I always look away and force myself not to come any closer. Music is useless, they had said. It won’t get me anywhere. They didn’t care that I could play by ear; that it just came naturally to me. I didn’t have to be taught.” Baekhyun rested his elbows on his knees and held his hands together, hanging his head low.

Kyungsoo carefully lifted his own hands and cupped Baekhyun’s, rubbing them for comfort. “You should let me hear you play next time.”

Baekhyun looked up at Kyungsoo’s sleepy but sincere eyes. “I will.”

When Baekhyun stirred awake, he was tangled with Kyungsoo’s pillow and drooling all over his sheets. It was two in the afternoon when he woke up, and Kyungsoo had just come from his test. He held up a yellow piece of paper in front of a very hungover Baekhyun with a very sheepish smile.

Baekhyun sat up groaning as he rubbed sleep off of his eyes. “What’s this?” He yawned as he takes the piece of paper.

“There’s some sort of organization in the College of Music for students from other colleges who want to play. They only started building the organization last year,” Kyungsoo said excitedly, jumping on the mattress of his own bed. “I signed you up.”

Baekhyun only stared at the flier and then at Kyungsoo. He immediately engulfed the smaller student into a tight hug, nuzzling his face on Kyungsoo’s neck. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

He owes everything to Kyungsoo now. If it wasn’t for him, he wouldn’t have his job now because he wouldn’t have continued to play. He thinks of Kyungsoo every time he touches the black and white keys. Every song he plays is something that he wants Kyungsoo to love.

★ ☆ ✮ ✯

Despite finishing a degree in Economics, Baekhyun works as an entertainer in one of the finest hotels in Seoul. The first job he had in an accounting firm, he quit after a week because it was too quiet. The second one working as an assistant for a bigger office, he quit again for the reason that he didn’t want to answer to anybody. Kyungsoo and Chanyeol opted to go for the same company, and the both of them knew that Baekhyun’s performance in college would have been enough to land him a job with them, but the brunet refused anyway.

Baekhyun knows he isn’t meant for a white-collar job. He takes one look at his degree and the only thing he feels is guilt for his parents because the money they paid for his tuition is, essentially, flushed down the toilet.

Each night, he sings as he plays the piano under the most expensive chandeliers and surrounded by the softest velvet carpeting and the crispiest, white tablecloths. Being an entertainer is a job that doesn’t pay much, but pays nonetheless. For someone who has had nothing to do with music throughout college, Baekhyun’s pretty lucky he landed a job as a pianist. It’s enough to let him keep his medium sized apartment, feed himself three times a day, and tolerate a job without complaining about boredom.

“What are you playing tonight?” Jongin asks as he’s shining one of the wine glasses to perfection. It’s their normal evening routine, where Baekhyun chats Jongin up before it’s his turn to play. It’s currently Yixing’s shift behind the keys, and there’s only a few minutes until it’s his turn to play.

Pouting, Baekhyun shrugs his shoulders and leans himself on top of the marble counter of the bar. “I don’t really know. Mainstream? Idol covers?”

Jongin cringes in distaste. “Again? You did that last week when there was a conference for high school delegates.” He sets the glass down, slings his towel over his shoulders, and leans his hands on the counter to watch the brunet carefully. “What about classical? You rarely do classical.”

‘Thanks for the suggestion, gramps.” Baekhyun flashes him a teasing smile. “But really, aside from the reason that it’s boring, I want to sing. I can’t sing if I play classical.”

“Then go original.” Jongin tilts his head to the side as he reaches for another glass and starts shining again. “Pick a few sheets from your repertoire and do those.”

Baekhyun hums in consideration. “You want me to do my original compositions tonight?”

“You should,” Jongin nods enthusiastically. “I’ve never heard any of them.”

“I’ve played a couple before,” he chides Jongin, earning a sheepish smile from the other. “You just don’t listen.”

The ends of Jongin’s mouth curve up into a guilty smile. “Is Chanyeol coming tonight?”

“He has work tomorrow,” Baekhyun says thoughtfully. “So, yes. He might go.”

“Why am I not surprised?” Jongin laughs heartily. “What about Kyungsoo?”

“He’s not going to.” Jongin raises a curious brow at him. “He just got home from Tokyo this morning and probably went straight to work. He’s too busy.”

“But he’s your best friend. He should be able to make time for you.”

Baekhyun laughs and hangs his head down as he rubs the skin on the back of his neck. “He can’t make time for me. He’s _that_ busy. I have to settle for whatever time he can find,” he says quietly, looking down to shuffle his papers, but really, just looking for a reason to break eye contact with Jongin.

Jongin rolls his eyes and nudges his head towards the grand piano. “You’re on.” Baekhyun spins on the bar stool and sees Yixing gathering his sheets, making sure they’re all aligned and then inserting them in his binder. Before Baekhyun can walk away from the bar to start towards the piano, Jongin gets a grip on his arm. “And you should decide fast on what you should play because it looks like your _best friend_ happened to find time for you.”

Baekhyun narrows his eyes at the bartender and follows the latter’s gaze. His heart practically drops to the ground when he sees Kyungsoo walking from the entrance of the lobby, toying with his cuff in his perfectly pressed suit and his hair neatly swept back, away from his face.

He ignores Jongin muttering _best friend my ass. You’d probably stab yourself if he asked you to_ and walks straight to the black bench with his hands gripping the folder of his sheets so hard that the edges are crumpled. With a shaky breath, he settles down in front of the keys and cracks his fingers. He takes a couple of deep breaths before he reaches in front for the microphone.

“Good evening.” A nervous smile makes it way to Baekhyun’s lips. All his self-confidence went straight out of the window because he knows that in one of the tables, Kyungsoo’s looking dapper and is listening to him. “I hope everyone is enjoying their evening.”

Baekhyun’s hyperaware. The table on the far right corner where the lights are slightly dimmer. Sipping on a glass of hard liquor. Staring holes right at his head like he’s the only person in the building.

“I apologize in advance if none of the songs I will be playing are going to be familiar.” He smiles sheepishly. “I’ve ran out of songs to play, so most of these are going to be original compositions.”

Licking his lips. Looking at his every move.

He ghosts his fingers on the keys gently, still contemplating whether he should just stick to his routine mainstream songs or _fuck it_ , just go with boring old classical music. But with another shaky exhale, he decides to play the first few notes of the song he composed two months ago. It’s a rather sloppy start, but as he gets used to the song, he smiles at how smooth he plays his own composition.

With only a short pause, he continues onto the next song and scoots over to the edge of his seat to reach the microphone stand in front of him. He closes his eyes as he sings the first few lines, occasionally busting out a smirk when he knows he hits a note perfectly.

He stops looking at Kyungsoo from the corner of his eyes after the fifth song, opting to focus on the sheets he’s playing. He still has about three and a half hours left until his shift ends and he thinks he might go crazy if he keeps on staring at the table where Kyungsoo is sat.

Five minutes before midnight, he reaches for the microphone again and smiles into the several tables having a late dinner. “I hope you all are having a splendid evening.”

Kyungsoo has ended up chatting in the bar with Jongin, occasionally pausing to watch Baekhyun play. (Okay so maybe he really can’t stop finding Kyungsoo even if he’s nervous.)

The last song he plays is a cover of a song he had heard on television a week and a half earlier. He’s been skipping breakfast and lunch, trying so hard to finish his arrangement of the song. He closes his eyes when the song gets to the chorus, only seeing one face behind his eyelids. The one person that probably 20 (or more, if we’re going to be realistic) songs are dedicated to. The only one whose opinion matters to him tonight.

There’s only one pair of eyes in his mind as his fingers glide on the keys. There’s only one lips he thinks of when he plays the last chorus with the most emotion he’s poured into a song for quite a while now. There’s only one person. And Baekhyun’s hoping that at least with this song, he would be good enough for Kyungsoo. When he seems the most useless, music can still reach him. That somehow, even though he’s drowning in his imperfections, this song is able to make him good enough for Kyungsoo, even if it’s just for five minutes.

 “I can understand very well why you would turn down stability and comfort for this,” Kyungsoo says when he’s gotten up from the piano and made his way to the bar. A faint smile graces his lips as Kyungsoo greets him with a huge grin.

“Do you mind talking to my parents and convincing them?” Baekhyun jokes, sliding on one of the bar stools, and mumbling an order to Jongin, who happily nods and turns to make it for him. He sits so that his body faces the bar directly, away from Kyungsoo. He cranes his neck and meets Kyungsoo’s gaze. “If you don’t mind me asking, why are you here?”

Kyungsoo spins on the stool to look toward the brunet. He runs his tongue on his bottom lip before opening his mouth to speak. “I had to see you here.”

“Where else would I be?” Baekhyun chuckles and takes the glass of red liquor Jongin sets down on the counter in front of him. “I’m always going to be here,” he says, a tiny bit of heaviness hanging on the words.

Kyungsoo sets his own glass down and tilts his head. “Is that a bad thing? I thought you liked this job.”

“I do,” Baekhyun replies, taking a sip from the glass and setting it down again. “It’s just that being here makes me realize how I’m not right for–” he purses his lips for a few seconds, trying to find a word other than _people_ or _you_ , “a lot of things.”

“There are so many things that describe you, Byun Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo says quietly, leaning so his back touches the edge of the counter. “Boring isn’t one of them. Insufficient isn’t either.”

He would beg to differ, but it’s pointless arguing with Kyungsoo in things like this. He keeps it to himself because he knows that he’s _insufficient._ For the person he likes anyway.

“I liked that last song you played,” Kyungsoo says quietly over the sound of another pianist taking the next shift after Baekhyun.

“I figured you would.”

Kyungsoo chuckles airily and shakes his head. “It’s amazing how you know things about me yet not know yourself.”

“Don’t you have work tomorrow morning?” Baekhyun finally asks as he sets his now empty glass down.

“I do,” Kyungsoo answers, the smile on his lips faltering. “Why are you keen on getting rid of me?”

“I’m not,” Baekhyun shakes his head quickly, not meaning to be as cold as he’s been. “I just think it’s odd that you’re here. You’re needed everywhere else, Kyungsoo. Everywhere but here.”

That’s a lie, of course. Because he needs Kyungsoo too, but he’s egotistic for thinking that he needs Kyungsoo.

“I needed this,” Kyungsoo bites his lower lip and looks down at his hands. “A break. Also, some sort of reassurance.”

“Reassurance for what?”

“You must be hungry,” Kyungsoo hops off the stool and takes out his wallet, putting several bills on the counter top. “Let’s go around Mapo? Like our last year in college.”

And as much as Baekhyun wants to say no, he really can’t. As much as he wants to stay away, he doesn’t, because if he can’t be the person loves, he’ll settle to be the person Kyungsoo likes. A friend.

As they walk around the district laughing as they make fun of the drunk people on the sidewalks, eating the food they’ve stopped buying after they graduated from university, and catching up to things they haven’t told each other, Baekhyun thinks that this could be enough.

This should be enough. That at least, he’s competent enough to be someone who makes Kyungsoo smile and laugh.

★ ☆ ✮ ✯

Despite being given the chance to take a leave for the evening, Baekhyun volunteers to take the shift on New Year’s Eve. Yixing’s infinitely thankful because it means that he will still able to go home for a short time and visit his grandparents. Baekhyun tells him that he has spent more than twenty holiday seasons with his family and it wouldn’t be a big deal if he missed this one, earning a bear hug from the older pianist.

He has passed on Chanyeol’s invitation to go out partying with him and a few other friends on New Year’s Eve and has even turned down his brother’s invitation to go to Haundae with his family. He’s sold on spending the transition of one year to another in the hotel, around families of both locals and foreigners gathering in the lobby to celebrate with each other, as he plays his own arrangements of Christmas songs on the grand piano.

It's also a plus that Jongin decided to work the holiday shift. Their boss, Junmyeon, decided that they could treat themselves all the alcohol they can drink from the bar as long as they won’t be a cause for bankruptcy and as long as they don’t end up trashing the world-class facilities of the establishment. The two of them smile at each other devilishly as Baekhyun makes his way towards the piano to continue his shift.

The smell of peppermint and cinnamon is in the air and he thinks that if he can’t make himself happy this holiday, he might as well try and liven up the other families staying in the hotel.

By the end of his rendition of _Santa Claus Is Coming to Town_ , a little girl, about the age of five walks up to him and offers him a gingerbread cookie with the biggest grin on her face. Baekhyun pats her head and accepts the cookie in his hands as bows and mumbles a small ‘thank you’ to the little girl. His body shakes in laughter when he sees the gingerbread cookie because _shit, the baked good fucking looks like Kyungsoo_ with the huge eyes made out of gum drops and the heart-shaped candy used as the gingerbread’s lips.

Kyungsoo’s currently in Hong Kong, celebrating New Year’s with a bunch of businessmen clad in their best suits and their wives dressed in the most expensive gowns. As much as Kyungsoo wanted to stay in Korea for New Year’s, his CEO said _it would be nice for you to meet all of these people, Kyungsoo. They could help you in the future,_ and that was Baekhyun’s cue to give Kyungsoo a one-hour speech about being so stupid for even thinking of passing up an opportunity like that.

So Kyungsoo goes to the airport on the 28th and tells Baekhyun he’ll be back by the first day of the new year. _Stay, okay?_ Kyungsoo whispers over the phone when Baekhyun calls him fifteen minutes before he boards the plane. And Baekhyun still doesn’t know what it means because really, he should be the one begging Kyungsoo to not leave, but he answers _I will_ anyway.

He joins the guests that has gathered in the lobby area when they start counting down sixty seconds until midnight. He stalks to Jongin’s side behind the bar and slings an arm around the bartender’s shoulders as they shout the numbers along with the other families. When the clock strikes 12, they both down a shot and howl with the other people who look ready to party on the dance floor.

Baekhyun still has to play the next evening, but he doesn’t even think twice about drinking alcohol that might amount to three days of hangovers. No breaks, no breaths. He parties on with Jongin with their laughter being overpowered by the song that booms from the speakers. Most of the families have gone up to their room and the only ones left in the bar are in their youth, partying like it’s their last New Year.

He stumbles his way to the employee’s lounge where he plops down on the couch sitting beside the lockers and fishes his phone out of the pocket of his slacks. He opens LINE and hopes that Kyungsoo has his phone with him despite partying with a bunch of executives. He isn’t disappointed when his call is picked up after the fourth ring.

“Happy New Year, Kyungsoo.” Baekhyun speaks first, a stupid, sheepish grin on his lips. “I wish you were here with me.”

 _“You were the one who was so adamant on pushing me out of the country.”_ Baekhyun thinks he might have interrupted the middle of Kyungsoo’s sleep because of the rasp he hears from the other’s voice on the other line.

“Because you can’t pass up an opportunity as big as that,” Baekhyun stumbles on his words with a soft chuckle.

 _“You mean the opportunity to mingle with a bunch of middle-aged people with their wives?”_ Kyungsoo snorts. _“I swear, Baekhyun. I think I was the only twenty-something at that party.”_

“Good,” Baekhyun says. “Then no one’s gonna be interested in how amazing you look in a suit.”

There’s a short silence, followed by some rustling before Kyungsoo speaks again.

_“Are you drunk?”_

“Noooooooo,” Baekhyun sings.

 _“Great,”_ Kyungsoo mumbles sarcastically. _“Who are you with? Jongin?”_

“I’m not drunk,” Baekhyun insists, sitting up straight on the couch and holding the phone in between the couch and his ear. He actually tries to sober up and shake himself awake. He feels lightheaded and he knows that he’s far from being completely sober, but he tries to control himself. When Kyungsoo doesn’t reply for a few seconds, he repeats himself in a sterner and deeper tone. “I’m not drunk.”

 _“Please don’t do anything stupid,”_ Kyungsoo finally says, and they’re miles and miles apart but Baekhyun can feel the tension brewing between them. _“Please.”_

Baekhyun laughs airily and smiles crookedly. “Loosen up a bit, Kyunsgoo! Why are you so serious?”

He hears a deep sigh from the other line and rustling. _“It’s dangerous to be drunk alone, Baekhyun.”_

“For the last time, I am not drunk.” _Just plastered._ “And I’m not alone,” Baekhyun mumbles. “I’m talking to you right now.”

 _“But I’m not physically there,”_ Kyungsoo says. _“People could harass you and what are you going to do?”_

“I know self-defense, Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun says, a grin spreading wide on his lips. “Besides, if I needed someone to defend me, I would call Jongin first. Or Chanyeol, maybe? You look too squishy that I doubt you’ll be able to intimidate anyone.”

Kyungsoo laughs into the receiver. _“Says the person who cried after I hit him for being such an annoying prick.”_

“That was one time,” Baekhyun defends, falling back down on the couch and lying his whole body on the cushioned seats. “Besides, I wasn’t prepared for that hit. And that was about the pettiest thing ever.”

_“You spread a rumor that I had the hots for Chanyeol.”_

“Chanyeol will be pleased to know that you are repulsed by the thought of liking him,” says Baekhyun with a lopsided grin.

 _“Go ahead. I make sure to remind him every once in a while anyway,”_ Kyungsoo retorted, the sleepiness already faint in his voice.

Baekhyun could imagine him sitting up on his bed in his black shirt and gray boxers, his hair sticking up in different directions as he sat up with his phone pressed against his ear. He shakes off his thoughts wondering how it would be like to wake up beside Kyungsoo’s sleepy smile.

“How is Hong Kong?” He asks instead, rubbing his eyes and shifting into a more comfortable position.

 _“You could say it’s going alright,”_ Kyungsoo answers. _“Spending your holidays in a country where you have no friends isn’t exactly the best way to spend it at all. And it’s so tiring always needing to smile and to bow to other people and to talk about everything serious and business-y. Somehow, being normal and talking to you seems to take the exhaustion away.”_

“Surrounded by the richest and the best businessmen from all over Korea,” Baekhyun hums. “There must be _something_ good about it.”

 _“You’re right about one thing,”_ Kyungsoo says. _“It’s a pretty great opportunity for me to meet all of those people. And I can’t believe that Mr. Han kept introducing me to his colleagues and partners. I – I don’t really deserve anything.”_

Baekhyun can sense the feeling of being overwhelmed from Kyungsoo, and he smiles to himself upon hearing the excitement on the other’s voice. “You do. And I told you so. Where would you be if I didn’t convince you to take your CEO’s offer to take you there.”

_“I would be beside you right now, which would make this holiday just as meaningful if not more.”_

Baekhyun bites his lips to keep himself from giggling and smiling too wide. “You’re such a sap. Stop it with that. I might actually believe I have a chance with you.”

One beat of silence. Then two. Three. Four. Only the faint sound of static is heard, and Baekhyun thinks that he really should stop drinking too much to the extent that he can’t control his own tongue.  Then there’s some rustling again and Baekhyun considers saying that that was only the alcohol talking and admitting that he’s completely plastered right now but Kyungsoo’s voice resounds again and he says –

_“I’m sorry. I knocked a glass of water off of the bedside table. What were you saying?”_

Baekhyun lets out a sigh, and he’s not sure if it’s because he’s relieved or because he’s feeling regretful. “I said, it’s way better that you’re there because that means you’re going to bring me home souvenirs from Hong Kong.”

“Y-yeah. Of course,” Kyungsoo laughs. “I didn’t think you would make me forget.”

Baekhyun only hums as he tosses around the couch. They talk for a little while more until it’s already five in the morning. The pianist could already feel the hangover brewing in his head.

 _“Baekhyun,”_ Kyungsoo calls again. _“I really hope you realize that I mean it when I say that I would really want to have spent my holidays with you.”_

“And with the others?”

 _“Yeah,”_ Kyungsoo affirms. “ _You get what I mean.”_

 _“That’s touching, Kyungsoo.”_ Baekhyun bites his bottom lip so hard that it could draw blood. _“But don’t settle here. Don’t settle for mediocrity. Don’t settle for me.”_ As Baekhyun yawned that last word, he falls limp on the couch, the phone falling on his chest.

Kyungsoo calls his name several times before realizing that Baekhyun had already fallen asleep.

 _“This New Year, Baekhyun, I only have one wish.”_ Kyungsoo tells him, but Baekhyun’s eyelids are already too heavy to hear what he has to say. 

★ ☆ ✮ ✯

“There are so many restaurants you can rent out in Seoul, and you choose your office to hold Kyungsoo’s surprise birthday party at,” Baekhyun deadpans from across the wooden table. “God, Chanyeol. You have got to be the worst event organizer in the history of event organizers.”

Chanyeol scoffs and looks mildly offended. “The kid is a workaholic, Baekhyun. He already told us that there are no surprise parties allowed and that he would rather spend his birthday working. You try and come up with a plan to drag him out of that goddamnned office.” Chanyeol takes a huge bite of his cake begrudgingly as he stares at Baekhyun. “The man’s turning 25 but he makes it seem like he’s gonna turn 49 soon.”

The pianist takes a small sip of the coffee in hand and dragged his gaze outside the window in contemplation. “Have fun then. I’ll hand you my gift for him then.”

“Ohohohoh,” Chanyeol laughs as he shakes his head. “What makes you think that you’re allowed to not be there?”

“For one, I have work that night.”

“You file leaves because we go out drinking, and you’re telling me you can’t file a leave for Kyungsoo’s birthday?” And now it’s Chanyeol’s turn to deadpan.

“Two, it’s inside the office. I’m pretty sure your big-shot company doesn’t just allow civilians to waltz right in there.”

“I’m pretty sure Minseok could work something out,” Chanyeol says with a sly grin. “Why would you even think of being absent on his birthday?” Baekhyun opens his mouth to answer but Chanyeol beats him to it. “And don’t even think about saying that you aren’t someone significant in Kyungsoo’s life or that you aren’t good enough because I will flip this fucking table, Baekhyun. And I will not care if you get scalded by my coffee and the one in your hand.”

“Ever so sweet, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun smiles. “I’ll go, alright? I’ll cancel work and I’ll try not to combust in flames when I go in that office.”

“That’s the spirit.”

Baekhyun didn’t think he was actually going to miss it, but it has already come across his mind to distance himself. That trip Kyungsoo had to Hong Kong only made him realize more that there’s still so much Kyunsgoo can do; still so much people he can meet. And in the world of businessmen with thick wallets, pressed tuxedos, and sleek black cars, there wasn’t a place for Byun Baekhyun.

In Kyungsoo’s life, there wasn’t a place for him.

But he stands in front of the office building anyway on the twelfth at 7:18, exactly one hour and eighteen minutes late for the actual surprise. He’s received a total of 21 missed calls from Chanyeol, and he would be surprised if the giant didn’t lunge himself at him when he enters the eighth floor where they surprised Kyungsoo.

He straightens out his black coat and white button up before making his way inside, being greeted by a chirpy Minseok.

“Have you been waiting long?” Baekhyun says, removing his beanie and dusting the snow off of the top. “I’m sorry I’m late.”

“I came down when you texted me that you were around the block already,” Minseok answers with a tight-lipped smile. “Where have you been? You weren’t around when we almost gave Kyungsoo a heart attack.”

“Tell me someone caught it on tape,” Baekhyun laughs.

“Like Chanyeol would ever pass off an opportunity to film that.”

When they get out of the elevator and walk inside frosted glass doors, Baekhyun gets taken aback by the wave of people in corporate attire, probably the people who work in this very office, going around and drinking like there was no tomorrow. He supposes that the room is a conference room, judging by the long wooden table adorned with tons of food pressed to the side of the wall.

Baekhyun spots Kyungsoo in the corner, far left of the room at the same time Kyungsoo spots him and he makes his way over to Baekhyun with a smile.

“You’re here,” Kyungsoo beams.

“I’m here,” Baekhyun says softly with a crooked smile. “Oh, right.” He hands Kyungsoo a red and white checkered paper bag with a smile. “Happy Birthday.”

“You didn’t have to,” Kyungsoo takes the paper bag gingerly with a grin of a five-year-old receiving candy. He opens the gift and peeks inside before looking up at Baekhyun with wide eyes and a twitch at the corner of his lips to keep himself from smiling too wide. “It’s a cookbook.”

“Yeah,” Baekhyun nods. “You said you didn’t want anything, but I thought that you could have some use for this since you’ve been wanting to try cooking. It’s not much but–”

His eyes widen when he’s cut off by Kyungsoo wrapping both arms around his torso. “I love it. Thank you.”

When he pulls away, Baekhyun presses a smile. “How was the surprise?”

“It’s hard not to figure out that there is a surprise when there’s a box of party hats outside my office this morning,” Kyungsoo says with a chuckle. “And I could hear Minseok’s phone ringing like crazy from all the food delivery calls. But I let them surprise me anyway because people could use a break around here.”

“I knew they were going to fuck up,” laughs Baekhyun.

“A big surprise though, was that you weren’t there.”

“I exchanged shifts with Yixing to make it tonight,” Baekhyun explains. “I’m sorry I couldn’t get here earlier.”

“It’s okay. I have a surprise for you later!” Kyungsoo waves off. He grabs Baekhyun by his arm and pulls him to the table of food. “But wait, have you eaten? You should eat. I think they ordered too much food and too much alcohol for tonight. You should try the–” He’s about to grab food for Baekhyun on a plate when a hand goes up to his shoulders, interrupting his words.

“Kyungsoo.” A man, probably in his late fifties, judging by the strands of hair graying and the wrinkles on his face, smiles at both Kyungsoo and Baekhyun. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I have someone I’d like you to meet.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes go from Baekhyun to the old man and he bows his head slightly. “Ah. Yes, Mr. Han.”

The CEO. Kyungsoo’s boss. Kyungsoo’s ticket to becoming one of the most successful corporate worker.

Baekhyun takes the plate from Kyungsoo’s hand and nudges him off. _Go,_ he mouths, and Kyungsoo gives him one last guilty look before he lets himself be whisked away by his boss. Baekhyun puts the plate back down where it originally sat, feeling no motivation to eat anymore, and grabbed a bottle of beer sitting by the end of the table.

The surprise really isn’t anything big. If it was, all their other friends would be here, but it really is just a way to celebrate Kyungsoo’s 25th birthday with the people they can spend it with, which are the people in the office. It seems appropriate though, because all of his co-workers seem to adore him and seem to be ecstatic working with him. Baekhyun thinks that he really might be the best if even their CEO takes the time to attend one of his employee’s birthday party.

Chanyeol snakes his way beside him and punches him on his arm. “You told me you would be here.”

“Well, I’m definitely not somewhere else. Am I in Japan, Chanyeol? Are you finally blind from all of that alcohol consumption?” Baekhyun says.

“I hope you choke from your beer.” Chanyeol rolls his eyes and takes a sip of his own bottle. “I meant here for the actual surprise.”

“Oh, well,” Baekhyun shrugs. “I’m here. And it looks like it wouldn’t really have mattered if I were or weren’t.”

A deep sigh escapes Chanyeol’s lips and he turns to Baekhyun with crossed arms. “Don’t be like this, Baekhyun. Not right now.”

From the corner of his eyes, he sees the birthday boy pulled to the far back of the conference room to the glass windows overlooking the city. He sees their CEO, one hand on Kyungsoo’s forearm and the other on the back of a girl, short and petite, just enough to be eye-level with Kyungsoo. Her black hair and monolid eyes make her nothing short of beautiful in an old-fashioned way, but Baekhyun can’t deny that she’s absolutely stunning under the dim lights, and there’s a pang in her chest in the way she looks at Kyungsoo.

“CEO’S niece,” Chanyeol speaks up, following Baekhyun’s eyes. “I’ve talked to her several times when the CEO asks her to run a couple of errands for him. Recently graduated from Yonsei with honors, and she also plays the piano and violin, I think. I heard she’s going to start working here next month.”

Basically, she’s everything that would be the cherry on top of Kyungsoo’s life. He’s an honor graduate too with a stable job where he’s already partially well-known for. The only thing left was a woman, who has about the same achievements and who’s aesthetically compatible with him. Baekhyun curses under his breath because he almost mistakes the view of seeing them talk to each other as a scene from a drama. They’re _that_ perfect, and Baekhyun wants to jump off of the top floor of the building.

Baekhyun runs his tongue on his lower lip and gulps thickly. “She sounds amazing,” he nods as he feels his throat constricting. “They look good together.” He turns around and sets his now-empty bottle down, reaching out to get a new one. A hand lands on his wrist and he looks up to see Chanyeol’s knowing eyes.

“You can’t do this to yourself,” Chanyeol frowns.

He shakes Chanyeol’s grip off. “Jeez, stop it, Chanyeol. I might begin to think you actually care about me.”

“Deep down, Baekhyun, I do care for you. And even deeper down, I want to smack you right on your stupid face because you have got to stop beating yourself up.”

Baekhyun laughs and takes a gulp of his second bottle. “Do me a favor, Chanyeol. And introduce me to high cheekbones right over there.” He lifts his bottle up and points the mouth right at the brunet in the white collared shirt and sky blue jumper.

Chanyeol stares at him with a hopeless look and rolls his eyes, but walks over to said brunet anyway and introduces him smoothly. Baekhyun learns that Jongdae, name of said guy with crazy cheekbones, works under Kyungsoo’s department as one of his finance officers. Both of them have exceptional socializing skills and there isn’t a dull moment in between them, making conversation in no time at all. They hang out directly in front of the table of drinks and spend the night getting drunk and making small talk.

Baekhyun spends the night trying to push Kyungsoo out of his mind and trying to ignore Kyungsoo laughing with the CEO’s niece.

Even deeper into the night, Baekhyun finds his hands tapping at Jongdae’s thigh and the other’s fingers trailing up and down his spine. Then he sees Jongdae’s gaze linger slightly longer on his lips, and he knows where this is going all too well.

“So,” he leans closer to whisper directly at Jongdae’s ears. “Want to help me with something?”

“Name it,” Jongdae answers, his eyes half-mast as he stares at Baekhyun.

“Help me forget?” Baekhyun stands from the couch and smirks as he stumbles around the conference room to get to the frosted double doors.

Jongdae follows closely behind him as he makes his way to the hall beside the elevator, leading to the floor’s comfort room. There’s no one inside, as Baekhyun expects, and the moment Jongdae sets foot inside the tiled room, he is slammed against the wooden door with hungry lips and roaming hands with the lock clicking behind them.

Baekhyun’s coat is peeled off and is neglected beside the door and under the sink. Jongdae’s sweater is thrown over his head and placed above the sink while Baekhyun’s long, deft fingers untuck his button up from his slacks. Jongdae lifts Baekhyun by the back of his legs, never breaking apart from their kiss. He lets Jongdae take charge, moaning and eyes rolling shut when he feels the employee’s body pressed against him.

He only sees one face behind his lids and his hair isn’t curly nor is it brown. His lips aren’t thin and his eyes aren’t small. He’s not the man he’s with.

 Baekhyun feels sick.

When lips reach Baekhyun’s neck, he shakes his head and pushes on Jongdae’s shoulder, putting a space in between them.

“I-I can’t,” Baekhyun says, avoiding Jongdae’s eyes. “I’m sorry. I thought I could.”

Jongdae steps away dejectedly with a slight smile hanging on his lips. “You don’t need to apologize. It’s completely fine.”

 “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s alright,” Jongdae reassures him. “You’ve had too much to drink.”

That statement proves to be true because as if on cue, Baekhyun mumbles “I think I’m gonna be sick,” before rushing towards the toilet and kneeling in front to throw up. Jongdae sneaks up behind him and rubs circles on his back while he empties his stomach.

Baekhyun wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and falls back to lean on the tiled walls. He’s exhausted physically and psychologically, and on top of that, he could feel the headache creeping up on him already.

“You want to stay here and talk for a while?” Jongdae offers with a tight-lipped smile. “Only if you still want me around. I’ll totally understand if you don’t want me to stay.”

“I think. I think I don’t want to be alone,” Baekhyun says. Jongdae sits down with his legs twisted into a pretzel, smiling up through his lashes to look at Baekhyun. “Thank you.”

“Sorry for being curious,” Jongdae starts. “But you said you wanted to forget. Who and why?”

“N-nice segue,” Baekhyun slurs with a laugh.

And they stay in the locked lavatory, talking about Baekhyun’s issues with Kyungsoo remaining anonymous in his stories, of course, because he doesn’t really need Jongdae to know that he’s actually in love with his boss. He tells him how it seemed like they were each other’s anchors in college and how today, the only way Baekhyun’s acting as an anchor is he’s pulling Kyungsoo down; holding him back.

“Have you asked what he thinks about this?” Jongdae asks with eyebrows raised.

“Uh…” Baekhyun trails. “No.” Jongdae sighs and mashes his face on his palm in disappointment. “B-but what he thinks doesn’t matter!”

“Baekhyun, I swear to god. You flirted with me like you were meant to fucking seduce the living hell out of me…”

“Or you’re just really horny.” Baekhyun shrugs his shoulders.

“…so where the fuck are all this self-esteem issues coming from?”

“Reality, my friend. I love him the most. And I want what’s the best for him. And if it means letting my own heart get broken, then so be it.”

“You should get away for a bit,” Jongdae suggests. “You know, figure yourself out more. Make yourself better. For yourself, of course. Not for that guy you’re trash for.”

Baekhyun snorts. “Maybe.”

He suddenly feels sick again, and he twists to reach the ends of the white porcelain, tears threatening to spill as he dry heaves.

Jongdae sighs in concern and continues rubbing the flat of Baekhyun’s back. “I’m going to get you water. I’ll be back.”

Baekhyun nods quietly and hangs his head low as he silently regrets drinking too much than he can handle. Getting plastered wouldn’t be half bad if he was immune to throwing up.

When the doors open again, Baekhyun hears a long, deep sigh and it only makes him laugh.

“This is exactly the reason why, Jongdae,” he mumbles louder without turning back. “This is why I can’t be with Kyungsoo. Because I’m a fucking mess.” He lies his head on his arms on the edge of the toilet. “Because he can’t take care of me. Because Miss Little CEO’s niece right over there wouldn’t get trashed and she wouldn’t be dead weight to Kyungsoo,” he says a little louder (also slightly more incoherent).

A hand squeezes his shoulder and rubs at his nape, trying to soothe him.

“Because if I disappeared, Jongdae, it wouldn’t really have much of an effect. He would still have a job. Friends. A life. I’d be pompous and egotistic to think that he would ever like me back. And it fucking hurts because that’s all I want. He’s all I want. And I can’t have him. I have to be better.”

He buries his face in his arms as the tears rolled down his face. He passes out after a few minutes in that position, hugging his arms and legs close to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I STILL HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF AN ENDING LOL I S U C K  
> also the song baek plays on the piano is everglow! just in case some are wondering


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh sorry this was late  
> also, sorry i didn't finish it???  
> one more chapter left, i promise and i'll try to finish it as soon as i can

On their third year of college, Kyungsoo spent the morning of his birthday taking a test he absolutely wasn’t ready for and the afternoon moping in his dorm room, thinking about how he’s going to fail at life because he messed that one subject up.

The day was so horrible for him that he even locked their dorm and didn’t let Chanyeol go inside. The giant spent 3 and a half hours with Baekhyun then as they tried to pry the door open and haul a messy Kyungsoo off of his tear-filled mattress.

“Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol called from the other side, banging his fist on the door. “Come on. Let me in.”

Baekhyun furrowed his eyebrows beside Chanyeol and crossed his arms. “Aren’t you supposed to have a key for your own dorm room?”

“I left mine inside,” Chanyeol rolled his eyes. “I didn’t think Crying Beauty over here would lock me out.”

“It’s not my fault that you’re too dumb to remember to bring your keys with you,” Kyungsoo says, voice muffled by the wall. Baekhyun still snickered.

Chanyeol rolled his eyes for the second time. “Just fucking let me in, Kyungsoo.”

“Just let me rot here and die. It won’t matter anyway because I won’t graduate because I failed my Macroeconomics test.”

“Just call me when he’s gonna stop being a drama queen about flunking three percent of his grade.” Chanyeol’s fist punched the wooden door as he grumbled and walked away. Baekhyun’s left in front of Chanyeol and Kyungsoo’s dorm room with a box of cake by his feet and movie tickets in his pocket.

“Kyungsoo.” Baekhyun knocked on the door again and leans forward to speak close in front of the door. “Let me in. It’s just me.”

“I really don’t feel like doing what you and Chanyeol have planned for me tonight, Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo said.

“What about your favorite best friend Baekhyun and cake? Do you feel like quality time with Baekhyun and cake?” Baekhyun offered.

There was a short silence as Baekhyun stood still in front of the door, waiting for Kyungsoo’s rejection again.

He heard light footsteps padding from the other side of the door and Baekhyun smiled to himself because he had achieved getting Kyungsoo out of bed.

“What kind of cake?”

“Mixed berry cheesecake,” Baekhyun answered with a smug smile. “Not too sweet, just how you like it.”

It took Kyungsoo exactly five seconds to decide to open the door his best friend, who had a white paper bag on one hand and a crooked smile on his lips. Kyungsoo can tell the wavering on Baekhyun’s lips as the older tried not to laugh at how ridiculous he looked at that moment, red eyes, hair flying in a thousand different directions, and a blanket draped over his shoulders like he was homeless.

“Happy Birthday,” Baekhyun greeted him with a warm smile. He half hugged Kyungsoo with one arm and led him towards the study table to put down the cake. He flopped down on Kyungsoo’s bed and tapped on his legs. “Now come on and sit on _Baekkie’s_ lap and tell _Baekkie_ what happened.”

“I swear to God, I will kick you out again if you continue speaking in third-person,” Kyungsoo muttered.

“ _Baekkie_ will stop now.”

“Get out.”

Baekhyun laughs. “I’ll seriously stop now. So, do you mind telling me why you’re so worked up about this one test?”

“I’m pretty sure I’ll get a single digit score on that 100-item quiz, okay? What if I’m not really for Economics? What if it’s a wrong decision to keep studying this?” Kyungsoo said in a hysterical tone and sat down beside Baekhyun on his bed and falling backwards on his sheets.

“You’re making me feel better about having flunked three Economics subjects before, Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun laughed.

“That’s different. You know that you loathe Economics more than anything. You know that you want to pursue Music. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I’m going to go out of my program.”

“Okay, first of all, you do not suck at Economics. You’ve been getting those perfects As since we were freshmen and you’re telling me that failing one Macro test makes you incompetent for your degree program? You’re talking like you caused the Great Depression.”

Baekhyun turned towards the end of the bed where a bunch of textbooks and papers were in an organized mess, probably since Kyungsoo was up for several nights trying to master their topic in Macroeconomics. Baekhyun stacked all the books and compiled all the papers in one folder. “How about this,” he said as he collected the scattered pens and highlighters on the bed. “For your next test, we’ll study together. Hey, I finally found one thing I’m better than you in Econ, Kyungsoo. I’m doing surprisingly well in Macro.”

Kyungsoo pushed himself up and sniffed as he studied Baekhyun arranging his things. “Don’t you have to study for yourself?”

“My grades aren’t my number one priority,” Baekhyun shrugged as he finally decluttered the foot of Kyungsoo’s bed from reviewers and text books. “Your grades are my number one.” Kyungsoo shoved him playfully causing him to stifle out a chuckle. “We can study together. We’ll help each other.”

Kyungsoo shifted to bury his head in Baekhyun’s neck and wrap the brunet with his two arms. “Thank you,” he mumbled against Baekhyun’s skin and tightened his grip on the older student. “Thank you for being here.”

“We’ll study when we need to, alright?” Baekhyun ran his hands up and down Kyungsoo’s back. “But now, I think we need a little break. I have three passes to the movie theater for tonight and a bucket of beer with our names on it. Are we on tonight?” He slipped the cards from his pocket and pressed his lips into a tight-lipped smile for Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo stared at the cards and sighed. “Give me fifteen minutes. Call Chanyeol or something.”

Kyungsoo’s day ended with the three of them catching a movie with each other and spending the rest of the night with Baekhyun going around Seoul, like what they always did when they wanted to forget everything and just spend time with each other. Chanyeol had no problem with that whatsoever, claiming that he missed his bed too much after Kyungsoo banning him from their room.

As they walked around the moderately busy streets of Mapo on the evening of Kyungsoo’s birthday, Baekhyun was sure about what he wanted to do.

He was sure that he hated Economics. He was sure that he had a future with Music.

He was sure that there was nothing more that he wanted to do than make sure that Kyungsoo only gets the best.

★ ☆ ✮ ✯

“Good morning, sunshine.”

Baekhyun groans at the booming voice entering his room and he wonders why he ever gave Chanyeol the passcode to his apartment.

He throws a pillow over his head in annoyance. “So loud.”

“Just how much did you have to drink that night that you’re still on your hangover?” Chanyeol teases.

Baekhyun flips over so he’s lying on his back and exhales deeply. “My hangover disappeared last night, Chanyeol. I’m just really annoyed that you have such a loud voice in the morning.”

“It’s 12 noon. And this is payback for when you always sang in the morning in our dorm room when we were in college.” Chanyeol twists his torso to look back on the bed with a wink. “Anyway, come here. I was instructed to make sure you’re alive or something. Jongin said you didn’t come to work last night.”

Baekhyun swings his legs off of the bed to pad across the floors. He runs a hand through his hair and takes a seat on one of the seats beside the dining table. “I’m not going to go tonight either.”

Chanyeol hums and takes a brief glance at Baekhyun before turning back to the white plastic bag he had put on the table. “Hm, why? Kyungsoo told me to give these to you. Just to make sure you’re feeling better. He’s en route to Gyeonggi-do. He wanted to give these personally, I think.”

Paracetamol, three bottles of blue Gatorade, a burger, and several packs of ramen. Baekhyun’s on the verge of crying.

“What’s new, right?” Baekhyun mumbles.

“Those are.” Chanyeol nudges over to the kitchen where boxes are stacked over one another. He frowns, taking a suspicious glance at the boxes. He drops the burgers down on the dining table and shuffles towards the kitchen. “What are these?”

“Just a few things I needed to pack,” Baekhyun shrugs nonchalantly. “It’s nothing.”

“Since when do you care about being organized?” Chanyeol’s voice is louder and he pierces a glare through Baekhyun. “Where are these boxes going?”

Baekhyun looks away. “Nowhere.”

“Nowhere?”

“What the hell, Chanyeol? Are you going deaf too? Is this a side effect of too much alcohol again?” Baekhyun attempts to sound annoyed.

Chanyeol squints his eyes and takes a closer look at the boxes. “I’m not deaf, Baekhyun. And I’m definitely not blind because I see that big, fat sticker there saying that it’s going to be shipped to Busan.” He shuffles closer to Baekhyun again and glares at him. “Now tell me again. Where are these boxes going?”

There’s a pause before Baekhyun meets his gaze. “Busan.”

“Enlighten me, Baek. What’s in Busan?”

Baekhyun tilts his head to the right as his hands fumble with the white plastic bag in front of him. “I’ll tell you if you promise not to tell anyone else.”

“Goddamn it, Baekhyun. Tell me what’s in Busan,” Chanyeol half-shouts.

Baekhyun flinches in his seat and lets out a deep sigh. He supposes he couldn’t have hidden this from anyone. He wished that nobody would try and make contact with him within four days. He would move to another city, far away from Seoul and figure it out from there. He handed his resignation letter to Junmyeon two weeks ago and had his last shift on the night of the birthday party. He exchanged meaningful goodbyes with Jongin and many thanks with Yixing. The other pianist was, after all, the one who forwarded the mail to him the first place. Even if Baekhyun was unsure about his next move, Yixing had been the one to arrange it all just in case he changed his mind. Junmyeon was also kind enough to refer him to a restaurant. Everything fit like puzzle pieces.

“A part-time job at one of the restaurants. A new apartment. An invitation arranged by Yixing to let me study music… It’s a way to figure out myself,” Baekhyun says, slowly looking up to meet Chanyeol’s eyes. “I need this, Chanyeol.”

The giant bites his lips in frustration. Baekhyun’s prepared for the long sermon he’s about to get, but all Chanyeol does is gasp in awe. “That’s amazing,” he admits, walking with slumped shoulders back to the dining table. He falls on the seat across Baekhyun, his hands rubbing his face. “But are you really just leaving us all behind? You didn’t even tell anyone. Were you even planning on telling me? Does Kyungsoo know?”

“I was planning on leaving quietly,” Baekhyun says, almost hysterical on how things took a drastic turn. “Maybe call you in a couple months. _Hi, Chanyeol, it’s Baekhyun. How are you? I’ve resurfaced on the face of the Earth. By the way, I moved to Busan. Just called to say I’m alive. Bye._ ”

“If you did that, I would take a leave from work and travel four hours to kill you, Baekhyun.”

“Then I’m glad you found out now,” Baekhyun answers.

Chanyeol shakes his head. “So that’s your plan. How are you letting Kyungsoo know? What if he wants to meet up with you? What if he asks me? What am I supposed to say?”

Baekhyun licks his lips in contemplation. “Don’t tell him anything.”

“When are you leaving?”

“I’m not telling you,” Baekhyun shakes his head. “You won’t be able to convince me to stay anyway. And you can’t tell Kyungsoo. I can’t afford to hesitate.”

Chanyeol looks back at the boxes and lets out an audible groan. “You’re sure about this? Can’t we talk this through?”

Baekhyun smiles weakly. “I’m sure.”

“Kyungsoo needs you, you know? He really does, but if this is what you want–” Chanyeol pauses and flashes a weak apologetic smile Baekhyun’s way.

“He doesn’t need me,” Baekhyun shakes his head. “He’ll be okay.”

★ ☆ ✮ ✯

_“This is Baekhyun, I might be showering if I didn’t pick up. Or maybe I just don’t want to pick up your call. Leave a message anyway!”_

“Baekhyun. I’m coming back from Gyeonggi-do this Friday. I was hoping we could meet up Friday afternoon? Catch a movie, maybe? I had tickets with me on my birthday but… yeah. You know what happened. Call me back, alright?”

He doesn’t think there’s a reason for him to stay.

★ ☆ ✮ ✯

Baekhyun books the last train going to Busan.

The train is in front of him, waiting for passengers to fill the seats. It’s five minutes before departure and Baekhyun’s still sitting outside.

If anyone decides to try and stop him from boarding the train, it wouldn’t make a difference because he wouldn’t be able to catch up. And even if he does, the probability of him finding Baekhyun in the huge province is too slim.

His apartment is empty; bed stripped of sheets and closet rid of clothes. He’s leaving Seoul because he needs to forget. He needs to start over again.

But he thinks he won’t ever really forget Kyungsoo. Not Kyungsoo; not his feelings. Not ever.

★ ☆ ✮ ✯

The new restaurant Baekhyun works part time at is nothing short of fancy (and Baekhyun is praising some existent God that He gave the world Junmyeon, because Junmyeon really is a life saver), that he still has to look formal whenever he comes in for his shift.

He sits down on the beat up couch in the employees’ room, going over his music sheets and planning out the order of the songs he’s going to play when his phone rings and he doesn’t even have to take a look to know who it is.

He’s received a grand total of 148 missed phone calls for the past one and a half months and God knows how many text messages from Kyungsoo. All of them rejected, unopened, and ignored.

 _It’s the right thing to do,_ he thinks, avoiding confrontation on why he left. If Kyungsoo stops caring about where he is, he would go on to be a successful, young employee in their company.

If he stopped trying to contact Baekhyun.

If.

The phone stops vibrating for a few seconds but starts immediately after a while again and Baekhyun is tempted to answer, but resists. He shoves it inside his bag and goes out to the piano to start his shift, hoping that by the end of it, his phone would already calm down.

It didn’t occur to him before that Kyungsoo would try _that_ hard to contact him. He expected a couple of texts demanding an explanation to why he suddenly vanished from Seoul and even prepared himself for the outcome that nobody remotely cares about where he is. Thinking about all the missed calls always seem to distract his mind from his work, causing him to miss a few notes as he’s playing. It makes him space out during his morning classes, leaving him embarrassed when his instructor has to tap his knee two times with his disciplinary stick.

He’s sitting on one of the stools of the bar, having just finished his shift. He would normally be preparing to go home and get a good night’s sleep to wake up the next day for his classes, but he fixes his stare on the phone vibrating on the counter. He narrows his eyes on the device and inside of him, his feelings playing tug-of-war. Push ( _pick up the goddamn phone_ ). Pull ( _smash your phone on the fucking wall_ ).

He lifts his head up and meets brown eyes when he hears the clanking of the bottle against the marble counter.

“Looks like you need it,” the bartender, Oh Sehun, offers with a tight-lipped smile. Ever since he started working in the restaurant two weeks ago, he’s found company in Sehun, walking with the younger man home since his flat is along the way to the bartender’s neighborhood. He also learns that Sehun is the youngest among all of the employees and is also working part-time at the restaurant as he juggles work and studies, just like Baekhyun.

A voice steals their attention from the opposite end of the bar, coming from a man in his mid-40s, Baekhyun guesses. Sehun holds his finger up as he starts making the jack and coke the man orders.

Baekhyun resumes staring at the phone and is about to throw all of his self-control out the window when Sehun stands in front of him again, catching his gaze.

“Oh, are you answering it?” Sehun raises his eyebrows. He motions for the device and presses his lips in a line. “Go ahead, take it.”

Baekhyun takes one last look before he flips the phone so that the screen is facing the counter.

A lopsided smile appears on Sehun’s mouth and he opens his own bottle of beer.

Sehun takes a swig of his bottle and then nudges the end of the bottle towards his phone. “Why don’t you answer it? Seems like whoever’s on the other end is insistent on talking to you.”

Baekhyun snorts. “Answering won’t do him any good. Better to just keep it that way.”

“Then why don’t you turn it off? Block his number? Change your number?”

For some reason, Baekhyun can’t, and that’s what annoys him the most – that he can’t seem to detach himself for real. “I don’t want to cut him off… Not permanently, I guess? Just until the right time.”

“You’re just giving him and yourself a hard time.” Sehun rolls his eyes and chuckles.

“You know, I clearly remember someone telling me that you’re the youngest around here,” Baekhyun teases playfully. “Treat me like your hyung.”

“I’m just trying to get to know you better, hyung.” Sehun grins. “I’ve been trying to talk to you since you started around here but you always seemed like you’re neck deep into problems that I always end up getting scared.”

Baekhyun nods and sighs. “I’m sorry. I genuinely want to meet everyone, but I’m really caught up in–”

“Staring at your phone until it melts?” Sehun asks. “Do you want the phone calls to go away?”

Both of their eyes fall down to the cellphone, calm and still on the counter. It rings again after a while, and Baekhyun presses his palm to his face in frustration. “I do.”

Sehun smirks and takes the phone in his hand. Baekhyun’s eyes widen for a split second and he flinches when he thinks about reaching for his phone.

“What are you going to do?” He asks with a lick of his lips.

“Stopping the calls temporarily,” Sehun answers. Baekhyun watches as the taller boy swipes the screen and presses the phone to his ear. “Yes? I’m sorry, _Baekhyunnie_ \--” Baekhyun’s lip twitches at the cringe-worthy nickname, “--isn’t here right now. Can I get your name?” Baekhyun maintains eye contact with Sehun as the latter smiles devilishly. “Do Kyungsoo? I’ll make sure _Hyunnie_ knows you called. Goodbye.” He lets out a short chuckle and hands the phone out. “Sorry. It might be a little permanent.”

Baekhyun thinks he should feel anger that Sehun is meddling with his life. As much as he wants to answer the calls, reply to every message, and say a million apologies to Kyungsoo, he lets it go, because what’s important is that the both of them move on with their lives.

Baekhyun wonders who’s having a harder time moving on. He thinks that it’s surely him.

“Is this some sort of initiation around here? Picking on the new employee by messing with his personal life?” Baekhyun sighs and takes the phone from Sehun’s hand the moment the phone is disconnected. He stares down at it and snorts when it’s finally silent for the first time since he arrived for his shift. “Thanks for doing something I’m not brave enough to do.”

“You know, you might want to reconsider that ‘not going to do any good for him’ thing. I’m not telepathic, but I could sense how disappointed he was when it wasn’t you on the line.”

“Trust me,” Baekhyun downs the rest of his drink down. “It’s for the best.”

★ ☆ ✮ ✯

The calls and texts stop.

A little part of Baekhyun dies.

And he thinks it’s infinitely stupid because he wanted to cut off his ties with Kyungsoo yet here he is, attending his classes as if he hasn’t had a wink of sleep for months.

He’s in front of his school’s piano room alone, working on a composition after hours and waiting until he has to go to the restaurant for his shift in the evening. The sheet he has been working on earned praises and criticism from his instructor. Baekhyun feels dispirited when his instructor tells him that something about the song is missing. Something is wrong, like it’s not from Baekhyun. Like it’s incomplete. The piano resounds the room as he frustratingly slams his hands on the keys, groaning out loud.

He shoves his notebooks and papers inside his bag and slings it harshly over his shoulder. With a frown on his face, he marches away from the room and out of the College of Music building to the bus stop to catch a bus to the restaurant.

When he steps through the glass doors, he doesn’t miss the giant sitting on one of the tables in the middle of the establishment, teapot, tea cup, and biscuits on the table in front. On any other day, Baekhyun might have ran to where Chanyeol sat and cry in his arms because he misses him terribly, but now, he’s only confused and he’s wondering how he found out where he was.

One hour until his shift starts, he takes the time to walk over to the table and pull a chair.

“What are you doing here?” Baekhyun says quietly as he searches for Chanyeol’s eyes.

“Hunting for Korea’s most wanted,” Chanyeol shrugged as he munched on one of the sugary pastries on his plate. “Chestnut brown mane, about five-eight in height. Heard he’s an endangered species and is pretty hard to catch.”

Baekhyun rolled his eyes. “Really, what are you doing here?”

“I took a leave. A trip to Busan sounded nice, and now I’m here.” Chanyeol presses his lips into a tight-smile as he held his arms out as if he’s presenting himself to Baekhyun. “Now, are you just gonna sit here and pretend like you didn’t miss your most favorite person in the world?”

Baekhyun only laughs, dumbfounded by the situation. “Junmyeon told you where I was, didn’t he?”

Chanyeol chuckles, like he’s the cleverest little shit in the world. “Oh, Baekhyun. It was a group effort. I bribed Jongin with chicken, who bribed Yixing with new guitar strings and Junmyeon with a date with one of Jongin’s friends. Got your school address from Yixing and work address from Junmyeon.”

“I can’t believe you–”

“What? Owe Jongin chicken two more months of chicken? Got Jongin to hook Junmyeon up on a date? Bought Yixing strings from a brand that even I don’t use for my own guitar?” Chanyeol wiggles his eyebrows teasingly.

Baekhyun’s mouth is left open, and he’s lost for words.

“I don’t think you realize how much you mean to me. And to Kyungsoo.”

“Wait. You didn’t… tell him, right?”

Chanyeol pursed his lips, lifting the saucer and putting the cup near his lips. “I didn’t tell him you worked here.”

Baekhyun let out a sigh of relief as he leaned back in his seat. He huffs out a laugh at the smirk on Chanyeol’s face and licks his lips. “How are you?”

Chanyeol tells him about home, about how it sucks that Baekhyun’s isn’t fifteen minutes away from home anymore, and how him and Jongin sulk whenever he comes to the hotel to drink. He tells Baekhyun about how Jongdae came up to him, asked about how Baekhyun was doing, and expressed his happiness about Baekhyun moving away.

“I swear to God, Baekhyun. I almost punched him on the face. He told me that he might have been the one to give you the idea that you move away,” Chanyeol said, eyes bursting out of the sockets.

“He gave me a push, I’ll admit. But I already had my papers ready during Kyungsoo’s birthday.”

Chanyeol finishes his cup of tea and leans forward on the table, hands clasping in front of him as he stared at Baekhyun. “Aren’t you going to ask the important question?”

They sit in silence, and Baekhyun’s eyes go to his wrist watch to see how much time he has left before his shift starts. Five minutes.

“How’s… How’s Kyungsoo?”

“Absolutely, a hundred times worse off than I am.” Chanyeol sneaks a glance at his phone beside the plate of crumbs left over from the pastries and blinks at Baekhyun. “But, I suggest you find out for yourself.” Chanyeol turns his head towards the glass doors and crosses his arms.

Black coat, Grey sweater, black jeans, and white collar peeking out from his neck. It’s absolutely unbelievable how decent he looks, contrary to what Chanyeol said. Owl eyes roam around the room until Baekhyun is spotted, and it’s like Kyungsoo sees a ghost. Baekhyun thinks it’s only logical because technically, he really is one.

Baekhyun doesn’t realize that Chanyeol had already sneaked off by the time Kyungsoo’s in the right mind to unfreeze himself and step towards the table Baekhyun occupied.

Kyungsoo stands in front of him, body awkward and actions unsure. “I’m sorry. Chanyeol planned this himself. I had no idea you worked here.”

Baekhyun composes himself and closes his mouth that had fallen agape. “Y-yeah? I-It’s okay.”

“Look, Baekhyun. Can we talk?” Kyungsoo gets a hand on Baekhyun’s arm just when the latter stood up. “Please. I need to talk to you.”

Baekhyun glances again at his watch and at the empty piano seat. He considers saying no and telling Kyungsoo to go back to Seoul and don’t bother him again, but he’s lying if he says that he doesn’t miss Kyungsoo. “My shift is starting in a few minutes… Think you can wait until it ends?”

“I’ll always wait for you.”

Baekhyun winces and turns his back quickly to hide the goofy look in his face.

 

 

It’s absolutely maddening how knowing Kyungsoo’s in the audience still gives such a huge effect with how Baekhyun performs. The tremble in his hands when he catches Kyungsoo’s gaze on him, the hesitation when he’s about to perform a song that Kyungsoo had said that he didn’t like, the changes he makes in the line-up of his songs. He squeezes a couple of songs that he knew Kyungsoo enjoyed.

He’s hoping that his three hours is going to last longer than it should, but within no time at all, he’s forced to face the person he travelled miles away from.

On the table near the windows, Kyungsoo waits, a glass of unfinished golden liquid swirling on the glass on the table. Sehun sits across Kyungsoo, tossing a table cloth in both of his hands with a huge, crooked smile on his lips. Baekhyun slings his backpack over his shoulders and nudges Kyungsoo to stand up from his seat.

“Let’s go somewhere else. You can leave your car in the parking lot. It won’t be far away,” he mutters before starting towards the door, and he can hear Sehun greeting _nice to meet you, Baekhyun’s friend_ before he gets a distance between the two of them.

Their silent walk leads them to Baekhyun’s small apartment, several blocks away from the restaurant. It’s pretty cozy and fairly decent, but there’s still that motherly, worried look on Kyungsoo’s face when they enter the studio room.

“Our college dorm rooms were worse. I get to cook here and the water pressure’s satisfactory,” Baekhyun says as he watches Kyungsoo pad across the floors to follow him to the dining table. The smaller man takes a seat on one of the two chairs and stares up at Baekhyun, who silently creeps to the mini-kitchen. “Cider or coffee?”

“Water, thank you,” Kyungsoo says as he removes his coat from his shoulders and hangs it on his chair. His gaze follows from the glass set in front of him, up Baekyun’s arms and to his eyes. “I… I asked your parents about you. They told me that you started studying again.”

“Y-yeah,” Baekhyun situates himself on the seat across Kyungsoo, hands rubbing at the back of his neck. “They were surprisingly on board with it. They offered to pay for my living expenses.”

There’s a genuine glint in Kyungsoo’s eyes. “That’s great. How’s Busan? The people in your university?”

“Busan’s still South Korea. I’m sure you’ve been here so many times, Kyungsoo. School is still the same.”

“Don’t you ever get lonely here?” The question is to ease the tension, but Baekhyun’s not budging.

“I study in the morning, work in the evening, compose even later then and sleep with whatever time I have left. Affection isn’t really a priority right now,” Baekhyun answers monotonously.

“Apparently, so am I,” Kyungsoo answers dryly.

“Why would I give my time to someone who doesn’t need it?” Baekhyun retorts.

“I’m just–” Kyungsoo sighs, like he’s exerting so much effort just to be calm and reposed. “I think you should have given us a heads up before you left, you know? I’m sure everyone’s going to support your decision.”

“It’s unnecessary,” Baekhyun answered. “I don’t need to inform people who don’t need me.”

“And you get to decide whether I need you or not? What’s your criteria for that? My grades? My job?” Kyungsoo furrows his eyebrows in frustration and keeps his voice levelled. “You don’t get to dictate that, Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun frowns. “How do you even know that that’s the reason?”

“You’re not denying it, which means it’s true. You were always there for me, why did you suddenly leave?”

“You already know that it’s because I want to study again.”

“That news didn’t even come from you.” Kyungsoo raises his voice, and he almost sounds hysterical. “It had to come from your parents, three weeks after you’ve left Seoul without any trace or without leaving anything behind for us. No calls, no texts. No updates from social networking sites. When you did pick-up your phone, it wasn’t even you… Sehun told me it was him. Are you and Sehun…?” The question is left unfinished, but Baekhyun already knows what’s on the tip of his tongue.

“It’s none of your business,” Baekhyun tells him.

Kyungsoo sighs again. “You disappeared without telling me.”

The cold façade Baekhyun is sporting is cracking, but he maintains his blank expression. “I’m not obligated to tell you anything. Don’t be too loud, the neighbors are probably sleeping.”

“No, you don’t have to tell me, but I really wish and think that you would. Come on, Baekhyun. You know that I would understand and support you if you wanted to go back to studying. I want you to have the world in your hands,” he sighs, and the brunet is also seeing the holes in Kyungsoo’s perfect image. His eyes are already red, hands trembling, and voice cracking. Baekhyun feels like he’s being physically hurt. “We were partners. We always had each other’s backs. Why did you give up?” He barely manages to squeak out.

Baekhyun opens his mouth to speak, but no words come out. There are so many things he can say, but none that he has the strength to say out loud. He can go two ways, he thinks. One, tell Kyungsoo off. Hurt him. Tell him something that will never bring him to look for Baekhyun ever again, and then live without Kyungsoo his whole life with a broken heart. Two, tell him the truth.

And as much as he loves himself, he loves Kyungsoo too.

“Because I don’t like being with you anymore,” Baekhyun says without batting an eye, voice cracking, and avoiding Kyungsoo’s eyes. “Because I don’t want to ever see you again.”

He loves Kyungsoo; loves Kyungsoo too much that he doesn’t want to pull Kyungsoo down with him.

“You’re always too busy, and I’m not going to be some charity case that you’re going to give your time to. I’m done being your friend, Kyungsoo, so just go back to Seoul and never contact me again.”

Baekhyun hates that Kyungsoo’s eyes are like windows to his soul. He hates that he can see inside of Kyungsoo; that Kyungsoo looks more devastated than he has ever witnessed. “You don’t mean that.”

“I do.”

“I always had you. Everyone was simply there but I always _had_ you, and I don’t know if I’m lacking, but you always had me too. You still do,” Kyungsoo’s voice wavers, and tears gather in his eyes. “Please, Baekhyun. Don’t do this…”

“I don’t want you in my life anymore,” Baekhyun manages to mumble out finally as he drags his gaze down to his hands, clasped on the table to keep him calm.

“Tell me straight in the eyes, and maybe I’ll believe you.”

Jaw clenching, Baekhyun stares straight at Kyungsoo and leans forward on the table with his elbows on the wooden surface, not once breaking eye contact with the latter. “You don’t mean anything to me,” he says with gritted teeth as he looks straight into the other’s eyes.

Kyungsoo lets out a breath that he’s been holding, and the first tear rolls down his cheeks. “If you think you’re protecting me, you’re really not.” He pushes himself up from his seat and takes his coat, gripping it tightly in his palms to keep his hands steady. “I should have just told you the first time you said you loved me.”

Baekhyun’s heart skips a beat. He doesn’t ever remember telling Kyungsoo of his feelings.

“It took me a while because I didn’t know what I was going to say, but I don’t know if you’re ever going to let me in again. You know I need you, just like you need me.” Kyungsoo gulps thickly and stares down at Baekhyun with glassy eyes. “I love you, Baekhyun. I love all of you. And you will always have me to come back home to.”

Baekhyun is frozen in his seat, and only has the strength to move once the door is shut behind him.

★ ☆ ✮ ✯

Baekhyun doesn’t remember when he was too drunk, that Chanyeol let Kyungsoo carry him out of the giant’s house. He doesn’t remember that he was hauled to and laid on the leather seats at the back of Kyungsoo’s car. He doesn’t remember being driven home by Kyungsoo on the night that Kyungsoo’s supposed to rest before his flight to Tokyo.

 _“So there’s this person I like. He was there at the place you picked me up from. He’s leaving for Tokyo in the morning,”_ he told the driver. He told Kyungsoo.

He doesn’t know that when he pulled Jongdae inside the comfort room, Kyungsoo had been going around, asking for him. He doesn’t know that Kyungsoo stops Jongdae from going inside the comfort room after getting water. He doesn’t find out that the hands soothing him was Kyungsoo’s.

 _“Because if I disappeared, Jongdae, it wouldn’t really have much of an effect. He would still have a job. Friends. A life. I’d be pompous and egotistic to think that he would ever like me back. And it fucking hurts because that’s all I want. He’s all I want. And I can’t have him. I have to be better,”_ he told Jongdae. He told Kyungsoo.

Baekhyun doesn’t know that the reason why Chanyeol always makes sure he’s okay is because Kyungsoo tasks the giant him to do it (he also doesn’t know that that is the same reason why Chanyeol never gets in trouble for being late to work).

Baekhyun doesn’t know that when Kyungsoo was done with his business meetings in Gyeonggi-do that he met up with Baekhyun’s parents and spoke to them about Baekhyun; about how Baekhyun is truly happy with Music and their son would love to get their blessing with this. He only finds out when his mother tells him upon her visiting Busan.

He doesn’t know what Kyungsoo wished for during New Year.

 _“This New Year, Baekhyun, I only have one wish.”_ Kyungsoo tells him. _“I wish you would love yourself a bit more. That way you’d let other people love you too.”_

To phone had fallen on the beat up couch.

“That way you’d let me love you.”


	4. Chapter 4

“Heard you turned your resignation letter in.”

Baekhyun cranes his head towards the voice and sees Sehun, flashing that patented smirk on his face as he polishes one of the bottles of vodka in his hand with a cloth in the other. Baekhyun rolls his eyes and sets his folder down on the counter. “There was no resignation letter. I just told the manager that they should find a new pianist soon.”

“That’s going to be difficult,” Sehun pouts. “They’ve gotten used to you. Four years is quite a long time.”

“I’m moving back to Seoul,” Baekhyun finally says with a soft but unsure smile. “I took a job there. A more permanent one, too.”

Sehun’s mouth falls agape, and he sets the glass and cloth down to lean his whole body weight on the wooden table, leaning forward and staring at Baekhyun with wide eyes. “Was that your application for SM Entertainment?”

Baekhyun nodded, the smile evident on his lips and eyes. “You’re looking at their new composer and producer.”

“Wow, that’s amazing,” Sehun says excitedly, loud enough to catch the attention of the last customer at the end of the bar. “I have news too.” Baekhyun raises his eyebrows with a hum. “After you told the manager that you were leaving, I told him that I’m quitting a week before graduation.”

“You found a job that quick?” Baekhyun straightens up in his seat, impressed and satisfied with Sehun.

“Had a little help from Chanyeol,” Sehun smiles devilishly.

Chanyeol visited a lot while Baekhyun continued studying. He also punched Baekhyun a lot because Baekhyun apparently “fucking broke Kyungsoo, you little piece of douche shit”. Visiting Baekhyun meant hanging out at the bar of the restaurant, which meant befriending Sehun, the part-time bartender who was studying Accountancy. Chanyeol didn’t even hesitate on offering Sehun help to find work, in exchange of taking care of Baekhyun.

“What are your plans?” Sehun continues polishing the bottle as he speaks.

Baekhyun shrugs his shoulders. “Stay until February then go back to Seoul.”

The snort that Sehun lets out and the smirk on his face captures Baekhyun’s attention.

“Hey, what is that supposed to mean?”

Sehun lifts his head up and smiles. “What?”

“What’s up with the –” he imitates Sehun with an exaggeration and scrunches his eyebrows.

“It’s just that you said you’re going to go back to Seoul.”

“Yes, Sehun. I’m going back to Seoul. I lived there for seven years. Home is there.”

Sehun does that snorting thing again, and turns around to polish the bottle in peace. “Oh, I know your home is waiting for you there.”

★ ☆ ✮ ✯

Baekhyun sits in the waiting room of the concert hall, monitoring the performance from the television mounted on the wall. After the young student performing, it’s going to be his time to play, four pieces from the greatest pianists and one of his own – a composition that he spent months creating and perfecting and so much hours practicing that it’s as if he swallowed the song whole. It’s the last thing Baekhyun has to do for him to get that diploma, and he’s determined to make it the best performance of his life.

One of the organizers gives him the signal to make his way backstage to get ready for his performance that’s to start right after the student before him finishes. When the girl starts her last piece, Baekhyun hops over to the curtain and peeks through the small crack from the wall and the cloth.

The venue is too spacious and it’s, unexpectedly, a full house with all of the seats occupied, and Baekhyun knows that Sehun is among the crowd, along with his parents, who has excitedly made the commute to Busan to watch their son’s last performance before he graduates. Rather than scaring him and making him more nervous, Baekhyun feels better that he’s going to be able to do what he’s good at and what he really loves.

Too soon, it’s his turn, and he walks silently to the grand piano in the middle and bows in front of the clapping audience. He settles down in front of the keys and sets his sheets down. He takes a few deep breaths and calms his heart as he shuts his eyes.

This is it. 10 years later. _A degree in Economics, three failed white-collar jobs, two part-time jobs as an entertainer, and losing the person he loved the most_ later, and he’s finally here.

His hands glide across the ivory like he might as well have been practicing in his sleep. He bites his lip and steadies his breathing as he plays each note with finesse. Baekhyun feels whole. Like he’s not useless as he was when he was stuck working with numbers and textbooks. Like he’s the greatest he can be when he’s feeling the smooth of the black and white, when he feels the vibration of the keys on the tip of his fingers, and when he hits all the notes one by one to play a beautiful piece.

Baekhyun feels like he’s at his most powerful when he’s playing. The tempo of the song speeds up and he smirks when the songs reach their climaxes, and no one can stop him from perfecting all of the pieces and putting on a grand show.

There’s a tug in his heart when he starts his last song – the one he composed himself and his professor had praised him for. Baekhyun has made so many songs in the past three years, all stemming from his past, his feelings, the little everyday moments that inspire him, and he doesn’t fail to make one when he thinks of Kyungsoo.

The loud applause captures Baekhyun’s attention as he carefully lifts himself off of his seat to turn to the audience and bow. The feeling is electrifying, being able to have a reaction out of people by playing something so beautiful and triggering, and Baekhyun feels like he has the world in his hands and like he’s the greatest that he can be at this moment. He playfully flashes a peace sign towards the audience and laughs when he sees a few of his instructors laugh from their seats in sides.

He takes his sheets and walks backstage, nodding towards the next student to perform to wish the other good luck. He’s greeted by impressed grins at the back room and many congratulations from his fellow students.

“Baekhyun,” one of the younger students says. Baekhyun remembers taking a few subjects the kid. “Huge ass flowers for you.” He nudges towards the bouquet sitting in the corner of the room, vibrant and gorgeous from where Baekhyun stood.

It’s a bunch of roses, decorated with baby’s breath and Baekhyun could feel his heart speed up upon walking to it. “Who’s it from?” He breathes out, as he looks around to try and find a card.

“Someone slipped it in really quick and then fled the moment you finished playing,” younger student answers. “Looks like he was in a hurry.”

At the same moment, the door to the waiting room swings open, revealing one giant Chanyeol with Sehun tailing behind him with the biggest smirk on his house.

“Hey, Byun Baekhyun,” Chanyeol booms, walking towards him with open arms. “You little shit, come here.”

Baekhyun rolls his eyes but steps forward anyway and gets engulfed in Chanyeol’s arms.

“You did your parents and I proud, my friend,” Sehun grins.

Chanyeol shoves his lightly and frowns. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about your showcase. Like really, why does Sehun get invited and not me? Does Sehun really need to sneak tickets from you to get us in?”

“I thought you would be busy,” Baekhyun reasoned out. “It is a weekend and – wait.”

Chanyeol raises his eyebrows.

“Did you say _us_? _Us_? Who are you with?”

“What?” Chanyeol blinks rapidly and turns to Sehun for help. “No, I meant _me._ Get _me_ in.”

Baekhyun turns to Sehun with a threatening glare. “Is he fucking with me?”

Sehun nods. “He’s fucking with you. Kyungsoo watched you play.”

Baekhyun’s eyes widens. “He’s here? I want to talk to him. Where is he? I need to–”

Before he could take two steps away from where he stands, he’s already stopped by both Chanyeol and Sehun. “He left. He was worried you might get mad if he visited you. Remember? You told him that you didn’t want him in your life anymore?” Chanyeol smirked.

Baekhyun knows. He’s reminded by Chanyeol more times than he prefers, and he feels like a dick.

Baekhyun mentally curses himself. He turns around and glances at the bouquet. “And the roses?”

“Are from him,” Chanyeol nods.

“Fuck.” Baekhyun is again ready to sprint out of the room, but Sehun blocks his way.

“Hyung, he left as soon as you finished playing. He’s already on his way back to Seoul.” Baekhyun stops at Sehun’s stare and sighs.

Kyungsoo’s still hurt, and he hates every but of himself for putting him through that. Baekhyun doesn’t even know if Kyungsoo will accept him again if he tries to ease himself back in Kyungsoo’s life, and it pains him that there’s the possibility that he isn’t welcome anymore.

Chanyeol pulls both Sehun and Baekhyun out of the waiting room, with the pianist’s backpack slung over Chanyeol’s shoulders and all the flowers in the giant’s arms. “Mama Byun just offered to treat us some meat. We should meet them outside now,” he says, peeking his head out from behind the roses with a clumsy smile.

 Sehun and Baekhyun follow closely behind, with the younger’s arms draped on Baekhyun’s shoulders. Sehun leans down to Baekhyun’s ears and whispers, “Give it time, _hyung._ Get settled in Seoul first and make sure you’re ready that you won’t ever push him away again.”

But Baekhyun can’t wait and he wonders if Kyungsoo ever gets tired from running in his mind every minute of every day.

So in the evening when he’s already tucked in, surrounded by boxes ready to be shipped, he types on the dim light of his phone and inhales before he presses send.

_I hope you liked the song. I was thinking of you when I made it._

_I always think of you. I still do._

★ ☆ ✮ ✯

“You’re everywhere.”

“I’m not everywhere,” says Baekhyun with a roll of his eyes as he takes his seat between Chanyeol and Jongin.

“Yeah, maybe not. But the song you produced is, and I’ve got to say, your music taste has improved a lot,” Jongin smiles crookedly. “Congratulations.”

Baekhyun lets out a shy smile. “Thank you.”

Working at an agency is something that Baekhyun thinks he could do for the longest time. He’s surrounded by music and by people who love working with music just as much. His seniors are kind enough to show him the ropes and guide him, and he’s happy that he decided not to settle for his past three office jobs.

He’s happy with the decisions he made.

Partially.

“Everyone’s here, right?”

Baekhyun looks around and scans all the faces on the table. He laughs at Chanyeol’s question.

They are at a restaurant, a few blocks from the hotel where Baekhyun used to work, celebrating Baekhyun’s birthday. Baekhyun thought that he was only going to be with Chanyeol and Sehun, but the giant had invited _everyone._

Junmyeon complained to Chanyeol that by attending the dinner, it meant that the hotel’s bartender, pianist, and manager are all going to be gone for one night. Still, Junmyeon managed to make it work by rearranging schedules, allowing him, Yixing, and Jongin to join.

It wasn’t like Minseok could turn the offer to eat down. He is, after all, the one that made the reservation for their room in the restaurant. Jongdae sits beside him because he’s supposed to be on a date with Minseok, but the both of them ultimately decided that celebrating Baekhyun’s birthday is more important and that their date could wait a couple more days.

Baekhyun might have underestimated Sehun and Chanyeol’s friendship, because they have been hanging out a lot together, apparently, ever since Sehun moved to Seoul. Chanyeol is kind enough to help Sehun out in the city, and of course, was the main accomplice for the surprise dinner.

Everyone is present.

Except one.

“Yeah, everyone’s here, Chanyeol. It’s like you invited all of Seoul to this restaurant,” Baekhyun says with a clumsy smile.

“Where will you find great friends like us, huh?” Jongin retorts.

“You should be glad we’re here, Baekhyun,” Minseok points from the end of the table. “You dropped us so quick and didn’t even bother telling where you were going to go. Not really what you would expect from a friend.”

“You mean they really didn’t have a single clue when you left?” Sehun gapes, looking at each of Baekhyun’s friends one by one.

“Junmyeon and Yixing knew. So did Chanyeol,” Baekhyun shrugs.

“It wasn’t like you told me where you were studying or staying,” Chanyeol points out. “You told me you were going to Busan. Provide a _Byun Baekhyun tracker_ next time, maybe?”

“Does it really matter?” Jongdae chimes in, putting an arm around Minseok’s shoulders. “We’re all here. Baekhyun’s here. How about we bring this up every time we go out with Baekhyun to make him guilty and pay for dinner.”

“I like the way he thinks,” Yixing smiles at Jongdae.

“Where’s Kyungsoo, though?” Junmyeon asks innocently as he scratches his head.

It’s like everyone in the table freezes and goes silent at the same time with only the chattering from the other room resounding. Junmyeon places his hands in front of him in defense and stares wide-eyed at everyone on the table.

“What? What? What did I say?” He asks, looking at everyone’s expressions that make it seem like he killed someone.

Yixing’s fork falls on the floor, capturing their attention and snapping them out of the moment.

Baekhyun licks his lips and slumps back in his chair, fumbling with the hem of his shirt.

He’s been in Seoul for two months. Two whole months, and he still hasn’t had the chance to see Kyungsoo. He never shows when Chanyeol invites them to go out drinking and is always in a meeting whenever Baekhyun calls. It also just so happens that Kyungsoo called in sick when Baekhyun tried visiting Kyungsoo’s office himself.

Baekhyun knows it’s so stupid since he was the one who told Kyungsoo off, and it’s the one decision he made in his life that he will _always_ regret.

“I’ll cook the meat,” Jongin says to ease the tension as he reaches for the tongs and the plate of raw beef on the middle of the table.

“I’ll help you,” Sehun offers and grabs another plate for himself.

Everyone else gets busy to their own worlds after that, and Baekhyun is left wondering if he will ever have the chance to get back what he once had before.

“He wanted to come, just so you know,” Chanyeol says quietly, just enough for Baekhyun to hear. “He was kind of sick, but he was ready to meet you. He just wasn’t exactly sure you’d want him around.”

Baekhyun bites the inside of his cheeks and quietly sulks.

“You know that you did this yourself, right?” Chanyeol asked.

“I know,” Baekhyun mumbles. “God, you never fail to remind me every single day.”

“Just in case you ever forget. But, Baekhyun, my point is, you did this yourself. Maybe you can find a way to undo it too,” Chanyeol says as he stuffs a piece of kimchi in his mouth.

“Can I even undo this? I told him that I don’t want him in my life anymore. How do I undo that?”

“Explain why you did what you did,” Minseok cuts in with a crooked smile. “Make him understand and forgive you.”

“It’s not going to be easy…”

“Of course not, Baekhyun,” Yixing says. “It’s not supposed to be. You fucked up. Majorly. Fixing it isn’t supposed to be a ball in a park.”

“It might be,” Jongin shrugs as he cuts up the meat on the grill. He looks up and meets Baekhyun’s confused eyes. “It’s Kyungsoo hyung,” he explains. “Kyungsoo who’s always there for you and Kyungsoo who always drinks at the hotel in his free time because he misses seeing you play.”

“Kyungsoo who looked like a maltreated puppy when Baekhyun left,” Jongdae rolls his eyes.

“Kyungsoo who never failed to make sure that you were alive whenever you got drunk. Also, who always made me your Gatorade delivery man,” Chanyeol says.

“Basically Kyungsoo, who loves you so much,” Sehun points out.

“Am I the only one who doesn’t have a clue with what’s going on?” Junnmyeon asks, earning a comforting pat from Yixing on the back.

“So either you make it hard or make it easy,” Chanyeol says, ignoring Junmyeon’s puppy eyes. “Or you don’t fix it at all. Your call.”

Baekhyun sees the amused look on all of his friends’ faces and he feels the courage bubbling in him. Kyungsoo might love him as much as he loves Kyungsoo. All he has to do is _try._

“I’ll tell him everything,” Baekhyun says in a motivated tone. He pushes his chair back and jumps up on his feet, walking out of their room and out of the restaurant, not hearing his friends’ calls.

“B-but Baekhyun, we haven’t started dinner–”

Chanyeol holds Yixing down and lets out a chuckle. “Let him. This is seven years in the making. It’s about time the both of them did something about it.”

“We’re celebrating without the birthday boy,” Minseok laughs as he stuffs himself with a piece of meat that Jongin had put on his plate.

“We can always guilt-trip him into buying us food, so,” Jongdae pouts his lips and reaches for food in the middle of the table.

Junmyeon scratches his head with the end of his chopstick. “So is anyone going to explain to me what’s up with Baekhyun and Kyungsoo?”

★ ☆ ✮ ✯

Baekhyun finds himself standing in front of Kyungsoo’s apartment’s door in just thirty minutes, panting and heart racing from rushing to get there. He slightly regrets charging to the door without even thinking twice because he’s already knocking on wood, and it’s too late when he realizes that he doesn’t even know what he’s about to say.

“Hi,” Baekhyun manages to breathe out when Kyungsoo emerges behind the door with his hair sticking out in different directions and in his little blue boxers and white crumpled shirt. His face was red and he had a blanket wrapped around his torso.

Kyungsoo looks like he stops breathing for a second when he takes in who’s in front of his door. He blinks once. Twice. Thrice.

And slams the door shut on Baekhyun’s face.

Baekhyun’s mouth falls agape and he feels his chest tighten as he stares at the wooden door in front of him. He licks his lips and looks down on the carpeted floor as he contemplates on waiting outside or leaving the building and only coming back in the morning.

Thankfully, the raven-haired man is ready to see him now and he looks up at the door being opened and meets Kyungsoo’s bewildered gaze in his eyes.

“You…” Kyungsoo starts, still holding the door in a way that only allows Baekhyun to see him through a small gap.

“I deserved that,” Baekhyun says with a nod. “The door slamming thing.”

“More than that,” Kyungsoo says, voice hoarse probably from being woken up in the middle of his slumber.

“I know,” Baekhyun says. “I imagine you have a lot to say to me.”

Kyungsoo blinks again and bites his lip as he opens the door with hesitation. “Come in,” he whispers almost inaudibly. Baekhyun lets out a sigh of relief and steps inside Kyungsoo’s flat, going straight to the younger’s living room. Kyungsoo closes the door behind them and follows him.

They look at each other from both ends of the living room, neither taking a seat on the couch and neither saying anything. It’s been a while since they’ve been around each other’s presence; been a while since they’ve talked.

Kyungsoo looks different. His hair is trimmed shorter, and he looks slightly more built than four years ago. The circles under his eyes makes him look exhausted, but he’s still unfairly handsome, Baekhyun thinks. His doe eyes still make Baekhyun gulp thickly, and his lips still make Baekhyun’s heart race. His pale complexion still stands out even in the dim lighting of his flat and if Kyungsoo isn’t being hostile at the moment, Baekhyun would, without hesitation, not spend another second standing a couple of meters apart.

They’ve spent a good three minutes in silence, just staring at each other when Kyungsoo opens his mouth to break the quietness. “What are you doing here?” He asks, like he’s still not believing that Baekhyun is there.

“Why weren’t you at the restaurant earlier?”

Kyungsoo furrows his eyebrows in confusion. “Let me remind you why,”  
 he says quietly, holding a hand in front of him. “You told me you didn’t want me in your life anymore.”

Baekhyun closes his eyes and rubs the back of his neck with his palms. “I didn’t–”

“You told me that I didn’t mean anything to you,” Kyungsoo continues. “You didn’t think I mattered anymore.”

“Okay,” Baekhyun licks his lips. “I know what I said. I pushed you away. I meant to. But you have to understand that I didn’t do it just because I didn’t want you in my life anymore.”

Kyungsoo laughs bitterly. “Then why? Because you wanted to protect me? Because you didn’t think you were good enough for me? I told you that you weren’t doing anyone a favor by doing what you did.”

“I don’t think you understand how valuable you are to me,” Baekhyun says, silencing Kyungsoo on his spot. “You don’t understand that I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night knowing that you’re going to settle for someone who isn’t even half-worthy of you.”

“You didn’t think that I should be the one to decide what I need and what I don’t?” Kyungsoo questions. “You wanted the best for me? Ever thought that maybe, what I thought was the best I could get was you? Did you ever consider that maybe, just maybe, I needed you too?”

“I’m just someone who–”

“No,” Kyungsoo cuts him off, lifting a finger up to silence the pianist. “I’m not done. I’m _barely_ done,” Kyungsoo says with an exasperated laugh. He rubs circles on his temples and presses a palm against his eyes.

Baekhyun presses his lips together in a line and awkwardly stiffens on his spot.

“Everything in my life is a constant, Baekhyun. Black suits, eight to five in the office, two-hour meetings, and formal greetings. Having a stable life? Yeah, it’s good. Crunching numbers, balancing a checkbook, computing for sales, and predicting which stocks to trade… It’s my life, but I always imagined living it and coming home to you at the end of the day to make everything more even better.”

Baekhyun shakes his head. “You could have the perfect life if you wanted. Your co-workers adore you and and you’re well on your way to the top of your work. On top of it all, your CEO wanted to set you up with perfect niece,” Baekhyun points out with an exasperated laugh. “I don’t get why you want to settle for me.”

“Why can’t you understand that I’m _not_ settling for you? Is it really that hard to wrap around your pretty, little head?” Kyungsoo says, getting more and more frustrated. “I loved you just the way you were.”

Baekhyun bites his tongue and tries to swallow the lump forming in his throat.

“You know why I gave you space? Four years of space?” Kyungsoo asks. “Because I thought you didn’t love yourself. I gave you the time to think and find yourself. But you didn’t have to do it alone,” Kyungsoo reminds him. “I could’ve helped you go through it.”

“I found my place,” Baekhyun nods stiffly.

“I’m glad to hear that. You deserve every bit of happiness.”

Silence falls on them again, and Kyungsoo can only give Baekhyun a sad smile from across the room.

“I needed you, too,” Baekhyun mumbles. “I always thought of quitting, but the thought of you always kept me going.”

“Can I ask you something?” Kyungsoo asks, and Baekhyun hums. “Did you ever really try forgetting about me?”

“Yes,” Baekhyun answers. “I was supposed to. After all, I always thought that it was impossible for us to get together.” Baekhyun gathers the courage to pad across the wood floor and stand right in front of Kyungsoo, about an arm’s length from the other man. “I tried to forget you, Kyungsoo,” he whispers quietly, but it’s so loud in Kyungsoo’s ears. “But I really couldn’t. And now, I’m here.”

Baekhyun’s breath fans against Kyungsoo’s cheek and Kyungsoo lowers his head. “Why are you here?” Kyungsoo insinuates, his gaze not leaving the space of the floor in between them.

“Because I really want to go back home,” Baekhyun answers, using a hand to lift Kyungsoo’s face up to meet his eyes. “I want to come back to you.” Baekhyun can sense that Kyungsoo wants to pull away and to prevent the invasion of privacy that’s threatening him. “I’m hoping that you’re still waiting for me.”

Kyungsoo raises his hand to tap on Baekhyun’s arm and gently peel it away from him. “I not feeling well. You should go home,” he mumbles. “I’m sorry.”

Baekhyun raises his arm and presses his palm flat on the wooden surface, pushing the door closed just as Kyungsoo is about to hold it open, and trapping Kyungsoo in the space between him and the wall.

Baekhyun catches Kyungsoo’s gaze on his lips and finds himself staring at Kyungsoo’s heart-shaped ones. Slowly, Baekhyun brings his other hand up to the door, leaving no way for Kyungsoo to escape. He leans forward and shuts his eyes closed as he steadied himself just above Kyungsoo. He could feel the younger’s breath fanning on his lips until he closes the space between them.

“Please forgive me,” Baekhyun whispers against Kyungsoo’s skin as he closes in again for another kiss. He feels Kyungsoo’s hands sliding up his torso to settle on the curve of his neck.

 Kyungsoo pulls Baekhyun closer, desperate to have Baekhyun near him, and grabs the black shirt in his fists. “I’m still waiting for you, Baekhyun.”

Kyungsoo cups Baekhyun’s cheek and presses another chaste kiss.

“I need you. And don’t you dare push me away again.”

★ ☆ ✮ ✯

_“Are you sure you don’t want me to bring you anything? Medication, soup, tea? I can go during my lunch break…”_

“Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo cuts him off from the other line. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. Stop finding ways to avoid work.”

Chanyeol guiltily lets out a chuckle. _“I miss you giving me errands. Gives me a reason to postpone work. Speaking of errands, did Baekhyun come to see you last night?”_

Kyungsoo furrows his eyebrows. “Baekhyun?”

 _“Yeah, he left in the middle of dinner and–”_ Chanyeol sighs. _“Does this mean he chickened out?”_ Before Kyungsoo could even get a word out, Chanyeol had already cut him off. _“That little… I’ll call you back, Kyungsoo.”_

Kyungsoo puts the phone back on his bedside table and slowly gets up from the bed and out of the room, comforter wrapped around his shoulders. The pianist stands in front of the stove with his back facing Kyungsoo as he stirred the porridge inside the pot. Kyungsoo stands behind Baekhyun and places his chin on Baekhyun’s shoulders, watching as the older man cooked.

Baekhyun flinches and turns his head to see Kyungsoo’s tired face. He smiles and presses a smile to the shorter’s cheek. “You’re awake. Feeling better?”

A hand peeks out from the counter to rub at Kyungsoo’s sleepy eye. “Yeah. But I called in and let the office know that I’m taking a sick leave.”

Baekhyun puts a lid on the metal pot and turns around to wrap his arms around Kyungsoo’s waist, hands clasping on the bottom of Kyungsoo’s spine. He presses his lips on the sharp turn of Kyungsoo’s jaw and smiles. Baekhyun’s phone rings on the counter, and he is about to pull away from Kyungsoo when the latter bars him from getting his hand out.

“That’s just Chanyeol, probably going to bug you if you did something last night.”

“You told him I was here?”

“No.” Kyungsoo shook his head and freed himself from Baekhyun’s grasp to taste the porridge on the stove. “He mentioned something about you leaving in the middle of dinner.”

“Everybody was there except for you. Even Jongdae showed up,” Baekhyun says, leaning himself sideways beside the stove to watch Kyungsoo.

“Oh, I heard you and Jongdae go way back,” Kyungsoo gave him a teasing smile and Baekhyun let out a wince, remembering the memory of Kyungsoo’s birthday vividly in his mind. “I felt like I was dying, in all honesty. I felt really sick yesterday.”

Baekhyun takes a bowl from one of the cabinets and shuts the stove down. “Let me take care of you,” he says as he pours the porridge inside the bowl, and leads Kyungsoo back to the bedroom to rest.

Kyungsoo watched Baekhyun fumbling with his phone as the former ate his food. Baekhyun’s eyes are trained on the screen with his glasses perched on his nose, eyebrows furrowed as he was managing something for the label. Kyungsoo was happy because Baekhyun had found what he really wanted to do and he felt confident while doing so. Ups and downs, problem or no problem, in crisis or in wealth, he would always stay. Baekhyun would take care of Kyungsoo, and Kyungsoo would do the same.

“Hey, Baekhyun?” Kyungsoo says quietly, voice still weak and hoarse because of his colds. Baekhyun lifts his head up and raises his eyebrows. “I love you. No matter what, I love you.”

Baekhyun drops his phone on the sheets and scoots closer to Kyungsoo. “I love you too.” And there are a million things that remain unsaid. Thank you for never leaving me. I’m sorry for not trusting in you before. Sorry I was a coward. I will always stay with you. But they have all the time to say everything and for now, all that had to be heard was said.

★

 

 

EXTRA # 1

 _“Why’d you only answer my calls now?!”_ Chanyeol shouted into the phone.

“I had been busy,” Baekhyun says, humming as he sits up from the bed.

_“Busy? You were about to go to Kyungsoo and fix everything! He’s still sick and I’m going to his apartment right now to go give him some soup when this should be your job!”_

“Where are you right now?”

_“Elevator going up to Kyungsoo’s flat. Then I’m going to go to your apartment and choke you until you’re not breathing anymore.”_

“Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun pulls the phone away from his ears, drops the call, and shakes Kyungsoo awake. “Chanyeol’s coming over to give you food.”

But Kyungsoo only wiggles himself deeper in his comforter, wanting to sleep for the rest of the afternoon. His fever was already getting better, and he just wanted to make-up for the lack of sleep the night before. Baekhyun gets up from the bed and shuffles to the front door where the doorbell was already being massacred by Chanyeol.

When Baekhyun opens the door, Chanyeol steps back in shock, horror evident on his face after seeing Baekhyun inside Kyungsoo’s flat.

“What… the…”

“I’ll take that. Kyungsoo says thanks. And stop leaving in the middle of work hours!”

The door shuts and Chanyeol unfreezes on his spot and laughs to himself. “Finally,” he mumbles, as he sends a text to everyone, inviting them to meet soon to celebrate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was late again and i am so sorry!  
> i'm sorry if it sucked or if it was rushed!
> 
> i'm thinking of making another extra after this. just to show how they are now that they're together. i'll write it if i have the time.
> 
> i wish yall enjoyed this!


	5. Chapter 5

**EXTRA #2**

 

The honeymoon phase doesn’t last forever.

When it ends, they’ve managed to travel everywhere together whenever time permitted it, taken hundreds of pictures of each other and together, made plans they promise they would keep in the future, and have each square inch of each other memorized. They’ve also managed to scar Chanyeol for life when he invited himself to dinner at Baekhyun’s apartment one night without giving Baekhyun any heads up.

“That’ll teach him never to go barge in without ringing the doorbell ever again,” Kyungsoo laughed into Baekhyun’s kiss as they continued from where Chanyeol walked in on them.

Kyungsoo doesn't think that the regularity is something bad, and Baekhyun agrees. They’ve boiled back down to normalcy, just like how it had been when they were only friends, but with more ‘I love yous’ and making out.

It’s comfortable and they’re completely, absolutely, happily, and perfectly contented with that.

 

 

 

The red light on the stoplight flashes before they cross an intersection, and Kyungsoo carefully eases in front of the lane.

“Do you realize,” Baekhyun says abruptly, turning the volume of an obnoxious EDM song playing from Kyungsoo’s car’s radio down, and slightly startling Kyungsoo, “that we can only either break up or keep being together in the future?”

Kyungsoo turns to face Baekhyun, who has this subtle apprehensive look, and frowns. “I haven’t thought of it like that, but I suppose you could say that.”

“Do you think we’ll last?” Baekhyun, who’s been staring outside of the window the whole time, turns his head and meets eyes with Kyungsoo. He flashes his boyfriend a puppy smile when he realizes that Kyungsoo might be bothered by the question. “Sorry. Is the question too much?”

“No,” Kyungsoo answers honestly. “It’s only fair that you think that way. We’re not getting any younger. It’s either we break up or we don’t,” he continues, quietly assessing the thought in his mind.

Baekhyun feels somehow relieved. And also partly thankful he has someone as understanding as Kyungsoo.

“What do you think?” Kyungsoo returns the question to him after a few beats.

“Hey, I asked you first,” Baekhyun whines.

Kyungsoo chuckles at the pout on Baekhyun’s face and sighs as he leans back on his seat, staring blankly at the red light flashing down on them. “I’m not entirely sure, I’m afraid to say, but I want to,” he says. “Us to last, I mean. I definitely don’t want to break up with you now – ”

“Now,” Baekhyun repeats. He gulps thickly.

“ – and I don’t want us to break up in the future as well,” Kyungsoo continues. He looks at Baekhyun as if he’s the most ridiculous thing ever. “You should learn to let people finish speaking first. It saves you from all the momentary stress.”

Baekhyun lets out a cute whine-like noise again that Kyungsoo rolls his eyes at.

“I can imagine a future with you. One where I’m happy. I hope you can imagine a good one with me too,” Kyungsoo finally concludes.

Baekhyun wants to say that he’s had one in mind for years already.

“There’s no one I’d rather spend the rest of my life with.”

“Same.”

Kyungsoo takes Baekhyun’s hand tangles their fingers together. It rests between them. Kyungsoo smiles reassuringly.

“Thank you,” Baekhyun squeezes his hand and reaches out to plant a kiss on Kyungsoo’s cheek.

The light turns green, and they go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so did anyone expect this bonus chapter to ever come out?  
> cause i didn't haha
> 
> i thought that if i was ever going to write a bonus for this story, it would be fluff, but here we are
> 
> this is roughly inspired by strangers, again :) 
> 
> hope yall are doing great!

**Author's Note:**

> Title credit: Everglow by Coldplay (yall listen to it! it really sounds great!)


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